a short story of a lonely girl.

2009-08-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

www.morningmoonlight.tumblr.com

Its been awhile, since we last met.
A little hushed now.

I'll come back to this home once again.
When my heart is ready to find it.

2009-05-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hey all. (: Its been awhile now hasn't it? My apologies for the late entry. Well, I am sure you've all noticed the new layout. Its pretty diggerent from my previous one, and I am beginning to wonder if its a positive change. Oh well, I guess thise last two words pretty much spark off the topic for the entry.

All my life, I've heard people tell me, "You have to change yourself. " or, "You have to change that attitude of yours. ". I am sure you have too. But I've been thinking about these lines alot of late, and it made me wonder if we can really change who we are, and if we can, do we really have to change ourselves?

For me, I've come to realise that in the end, it is not me who has changed. I am still the same person, withthe same habits, the same issues, the same strengths the same weaknesses. I can't change the fact that I get distracted easily. I can't change the fact that I need to match straw colours.

But instead, I can adapt and I can channel these habits and quirks about myself in the right direction. Since I get distracted easily, I do a few things at once, so my mind always remains occupied. And I adapt my need for matching straw colours to the situation. If there is no straw that can match my drink, then its just too bad, and I would have to be okay with drinking from a regular straw. But in the end, if given a choice, I definitely would still pick yellow for my mango milkshake. Thus, I have not changed.

Its subjective though. Change and self. Hmm, maybe I am only looking at this through my side of the lense. Share with me please. (:

azmira.zailan@yahoo.com

I'll reply each and every one (:

Takecare all, till next time.

Change

2009-05-09T02:56:00.000-07:00

Hey all (: Just a short little update.
I'll most probably be changing the layout of this page tomorrow, and introducing all you readers to another page pretty soon.
I'd reckon you'd like a face to put to all these words.

Takecare all,
Till next time. (:

Sleep

2009-05-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

Sleep : To take a rest afforded by a suspension of voluntary body functions and the natural suspension, complete or partial, of conciousness ; cease besing awake.

Sleep can mean many things, to many people. To some, it is necessary, fuel for the next day. To others, it is an escape from the reality of conciousness. Or certain people may see it as a comfort, the undefined receses of their mind as a place to seek sanctuary, love, and warmth. On the other hand, some may see it as a luxary, that it is simply exuberant to be able to let time tick away, when the concious world still calls out for so much more to be done.

So why do we sleep? Is it simply a primitive, physiological need to get enough bodily rest for us to function normally the next day? Or is there more to it?

I for one, treasure sleep. Sleep has made me chart out many things in my life. It has helped me grow and understand my growth.

I remember a few years back, when I would tell myself, that the earlier I sleep, the less of the horrible day I have to go through. That if I slept at 10 instead of midnight, my horrid day would be 2 hours shorter. That for those two hours, I wouldn't have to cry, I wouldn't have to feel upset, I wouldn't have to argue. I would be in my own world and nobody would or could disturb me there.

But then, after awhile, when I grew to learn that I actually had to face my problems for them to go away, sleep no longer served me as an escape. But an actual raw physical need to recharge. I simply needed the rest to get through the next day. And the cycle repeated for quite some time. I spent my days, getting exhausted, fighting battles, creating battles, and finding myself simply dozing off the moment my head hits the pillow.

Then, sleep to me, moved to a phase that was much more, spiritual. I began to have many more dreams, and these dreams would almost always be about the things that matter the most to me. It was strange at first, but I guess now I treasure these dreams, for always serving as a reminder to me about what I hold most dearly. About what is really always on my mind, even in a semi concious state.

And now, to me, sleep is a comfort. Sleep is recharging my batteries for a great day ahead. Sleep is spending time thinking of the people whom I miss and love. Sleep, is time for my thoughts to wander in its own special place. Sleep, is for me, sleep is a part of me, that is for me. And it only puts a smile on my face every morning, when I know that I have all the people who matter with me in that part of me.

And falling asleep, in the arms of the one I love, has inevitably without a doubt, been the greatest feeling that this girl has ever experienced. It almost surreal when you think about it. The ability to keep each other so safe, happy and rested all within the span of our unconcious minds, without us even actively trying. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Our thoughts have no boundaries when we sleep, so should we really set boundaries on our thought on sleep?

Till next time,
Takecare all. (:

Read Between The Lines

2009-05-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

You are like summer rain,

For once,

soft and warm and delicate.

I want to be

And I am a foolsih girl,

every little thing you wanted

trying to catch every drop of you on my tongue.

all the time.

Just dance.

2009-04-30T22:50:00.001-07:00

& So because thoughts of us refuse to leave my mind.
Here I am, eating a bowl of chicken soup
taking pride in the fact that I have mastered the Hoedown Throwdown.

If I had a penny for all the times you cross my mind,
There wouldn't be enough pennies in the world.

Boom boom clap, boom dee clap dee clap.

Breaking Free

2009-04-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all, it has been a good week so far. It is absolutely great to be back in school (: I would assume its the sense of purpose that I get from all the assignments and also the mere fact that I am back here in the comfort of school, delving into the depths of what I plan to be drowning in for the rest of my life. Not exactly the prettiest way to put it, but you know I mean beautifully.

So a few days back, I was in the middle of a text conversation when a spark of thought errupted in my mind. I would think that what I choose to blog about this week would be somewhat applicable to everyone, at least at one point of their lives or another.

We often tell ourselves or each other, that we want go someplace, and run away from things. Just escape from the not so cherry blossom feelings at heart, and the convoluted thoughts in mind. But that lead me to reflect and question myself, what is it really that I want to escape so badly, and who is it that has trapped me against my will?

Then I slowly began to understand that, it was me. We often put up walls around ourselves, with probably the intention or percieved intention of keeping others out, and protecting ourselves. But we often forget that there are 2 sides to the wall, and just as others cannot enter, we too have trapped ourselves in our own four walls.

Ironically enough, it is most likely that it is these same four walls we find ourselves trying to escape. With chisel, hammer, catapult, boulders and any other form of ammunition you can think of you try to crumble these walls. Well, in less medival terms, ammunition could be reffering to distractions, work, food, or anything that would constitute as aid to this "running away" concept.

However, after going through some of the things that I have gone through, I have come to realise that pelting these walls and thrashing them down to the ground does not solve my issues, and doesn't help me understand myself better as a person.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that one should strive to not ever build walls and barriers. Because both you and I know how simply inevitable that is, that its simple human nature to put up a fortress against possible attack.

But what I am saying is that, maybe one should respect the reasons why that wall was put up in the first place. Think about it, you are the one who layered those bricks one over the other, there had to be a reason. And instead of hurling anger at the wall that you created, maybe understanding why its there, and respecting both yourself and your reasons, could be a better option.

Thereafter, this so-called need or feeling of the need to run away or escape, would not really come into play. Because you would soon realise that, you had a reason to put those walls up, and you did. And now, you have a reason to take them down, and you will. With the same amount of respect you had for yourself and your reasons for both.

I guess in a nutshell, with doing that, you are not escaping, you are just having the courage to open the door that you closed, to take a breath of fresh air.

I hope that made sense, and I hope you have had a good week.

Till next time, take care all. (:

Give & Take.

2009-04-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

Hey all (: Admittedly it has been awhile and I apologise to all my readers, especially those who have asked me why I haven't been updating. Well, the reason for my prolonged absence is that, I decided to take some time off blogging, to clear my head and maybe get fresh perspectives on things that I couldn't have seen before. Just to simply take some time, to explore my thoughts and immerse myself in new experiences.

We often complain about how unfair the world is, and how life has not been as kind to us as how it has been to others. Or how no matter how hard we try, we are not rewarded for our efforts, when someone who is not even trying has been rewarded for no particular reason at all.

Lately, I have been feeling that way. & it began to seem to me that no matter how very hard I tried, I would never be rewarded, I would never be enough. So between a few tears and thoughts, I found a little spark somewhere inside of me that helped me get through the night and wake up in the morning.

Maybe life is fair. Maybe, its not that I wouldn't get rewarded for how hard I try, and how much effort I put in. Maybe, just maybe, I was already rewarded, just not in the way that I had expected, or at the time when I expected it.

Take the example of a daughter. She hasn't always been examplary as a student or a child, but she has grown out of that. Changed, and kept persevering through all the doubts that everyone had in her. Made proper friends who cared far more about her well-being, kicked old habits and kept in tune with a new schedule. She did this all in hopes that her mother would see her not even as a daughter, not even as a perfect child, but simply as a decent person.

And after all that trying, after all that effort, things between her mother and her remained exactly the same.

& It is at this point where she would feel that life is simply unfair. That no matter how hard she had tried and tries to continue trying, all the effort would just mean nothing. And she would get so frustrated and upset and guarded from everything that she is seconds away from giving up everything. To just stop trying and go back to her old ways because changing didn't get her anywhere.

Well, if you reading this, are feeling the way she feels. Then listen to this.

This same daughter, in the process of her change, has made friends who she knows she would not lose for the rest of her life. Friends who would die for her, friends who would make sure she gets back home safe, friends who would appreciate each and every ounce of effort she puts in to making herself a better person and getting where she wants to.

This same daughter, in the process of change, no matter how painful has learnt lessons that no other experience could have taught her. She has learnt the concept of self-value, of ambition, of faith. She has learnt to give herself another chance at getting to where she wants to be, she has learnt to channel her strengths in the right directions.

And in at the end of the story, even if she could not prove to her mother that she is a decent person, what she did get in reward was simply priceless. And all she has around her will always remind her of how far she has come, where she has been, and that she is going to where she has always wanted to be.

I guess, through the story, what I am trying to say is, maybe life is fair, and you do get what you give, and what goes around does come back around. Maybe life is fair, just not in the ways we so often expect it to be.

Till next time, takecare all. (:

All The World Is A Stage

2009-03-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

Hey all (: I know I have not updated since forever, and yes, my deepest apologies to my readers, especially those who have been asking me for my next update. Well the reason why I took so much time off, is because in this entry, I wanted to share with you something a little more important to me. I usually share something that i had thought about, sparked by something I experienced. However, over the week I felt that, this time, I wanted to allow myself to encounter and explore more into these thoughts before sharing it with you all. (:

All the world is a stage. A cliche, much overused and under-appreciated. Each and every one of us play roles, be it the leading lady, or the less well-known Villager Number 225.

Is it who we are, who define the roles we play? Or is it the roles that we are subjected to that make us the people that we are? Maybe a little bit of both.

Also, this time to think had reminded me of what I had learnt in school not too far back. We learnt about the roles that each person plays, for example, I play the role of a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student, a Muslim and the list goes on.

And for each person there are 2 key conflicts when it comes to roles. First comes the intra-role conflict. This is where there is inner conflict within one role that we play. For example, a role of a teacher. Sometimes a teacher's role may conflict with her personality, the way she am. Such as in the case of an impatient person with a short-temper, and she has to then put that aside and be patient with her students.

Then there is inter-role conflict, which is probably something on a larger scale. This is when again a teacher, could also play the role of a mother. And she gets somewhat caught between the role she plays to her daughter as a mother, and the role she plays to her students as a teacher. Its when roles overlap and lines get blurred.

I suppose with all this talk about roles, what we really need is balance. And that I think, could most probably be the hardest thing to achieve. Balance between our personalities, obligations and the interwoven tapestry of both.

How do we strike this balance? How do we define the lines between each role, and more importantly stay within those lines?

I may continue to ponder on this, my next post most probably will be about something else, but I assure you this, I will soon write again about this, when a new day comes and it helps me answer some of the questions that I still have on the thought.

Feel free to talk to me about your answers or thoughts on the matter too. (: It'd really help, and I will share ( with your permission of course ), so the we all learn something and explore a little further that our safety zones.

Takecare all of you.
I shall meet you again very soon. (:

Clarity, Peace, Serenity

2009-03-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I know, its honestly been ages. I have no excuse this time, I guess, off late, I really haven't been very inspired by anything. I know, thats such a horrible depressing way to start an entry and I am sorry. However, it is for the very reason that I am stuck in a period of nothingness, that I am blogging. Because it made me realize something.

When you life is full of drama, when there are ups, downs round and rounds, upside downs. When you are literally suffocating under piles of work, with an emotional burden ready to break your back, and an earthquake on your mind. Or when you are completely ecstatic, where you see everyday as a new day, and surges of energy run through your veins. Or when there is a twisted mix of both.

When all that happens, all you pray for is a break. Serenity, nothingness, the ability to breathe and silence. To simply be. To simply breathe.

& When you do actually get that break, that gulp of oxygen, that split second of serenity and clear eyes. It feels incredibly good. And you begin to think that you could stay there forever, in that moment.

And that's they thing, the longer I am stuck here, in this moment, the more I miss the drama. The more I miss waking up to something other than Facebook, the more I miss dancing and drawing and actively doing something. Its a very strange concept to me. And it still leaves me baffled till today, why am I like this?

Hmm, what about you? Any thought on the matter?

Well, I guess that's it for today. Feel free to tag or mail me (:
azmira.zailan@yahoo.com

You all takecare and have a great week ahead.
Till next week sweethearts (:

Looking Back on Today

2009-02-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

Remember our first apartment
Our couch was never big enough for two
Still we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms
and wake up on the floor
Now looking back it was made for me and you

Looking Back On Today by Ataris

Hospitals

2009-02-25T05:49:00.000-08:00

Hey, ho and hello to all (: My examinations are finally over, I am back here to blog. I am sorry for the delay once again, but I simply had to catch up on some sleep before I even attempt to make any sense here. Well, all that aside, I am back in action. (:

So for the past week and a half or maybe two weeks, ( darn its been awhile ) many many things have happened. And of all these things, I choose to talk about one particular place, that I have found to be most interesting and inspiring.

The hospital.

The hospital, is a place that has everything contained in it. In one room a pair of new eyes just saw the world and the deafening cry that marks the start of a whole new life resounds. And in another room, tears of a different nature, mark the end of a life once lived.

And in between these rooms are people. People who all have a different stories, reasons and hopes in their hearts. For those in laying in the beds of the hospital, some without the ability to even open they eyes, and some who see the faces of their dear ones beside them as clear as day. On one bed, could lie a teenager, battered and bruised from a bike accident, and on the adjacent bed could lie a middle aged woman, who's been suffering from the most wrenching tummy ache ever.

In the corridors, there is the anxious husband waiting to hear the first cry of his own pride and joy. And not too far away, another husband with head between his knees, tears like waterfalls, in a silent prayer to be able to look in his wife's eyes again.

And last, but most importantly are those who live in the walls of this place. Clad in white coats, white gloves and masks. Those who wake up to the smell of disinfectant and medication, who count pills faster than money, who pronounce words longer than the entire alphabet. Those people who experience death, life, fear, hope, relief and miracles, everyday, every second, in every corner of their life. They are not heroes, they are merely human. Human beings who choose to use their courage and their beating heart in this way. And to me, that is remarkable.

I was most touched, and awed by the hospital.
And in all my fear and discomfort of being in that place, I would suppose a part of it, did grow on to me.
I used to wonder how people were supposed to get better in a place like that, but now I wonder, where else can someone get better if not in the confines of a place built on hope, run by passion, and filled with miracles.

Have a great week ahead all of you. ((:
Till Sunday, take care and enjoy yourselves.
( I promise I won't be late this time ).

Quickie

2009-02-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

Hey my dear readers (:

I am so so terribly sorry for the late entry, as you may know this is now my examination period in school, meaning studying for 24 hours a day. And I feel so guilty for missing blogging day on Sunday and on Monday as well cause I was studying for my paper today. Please do forgive me sweethearts ):

Well, I just dropped by to inform you all that my next entry would be on the 23rd of February, Monday because that is that date of my last paper. Subsequently it will be back as usual to regular Sunday blogging. (:

I am so sorry for the change in timings, and the lack of updates, I'll make it up to you next week alright (: Promise.

Now, back to the books.
Wish me luck (:

Oh, and yes, have a great week ahead, all of you. (:

A Prayer

2009-02-14T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dear God, I am grateful for all the love you have showered me with.
Dear God, please keep us all safe.
Insyallah.

Five Stages

2009-02-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

Hey all (: I am back for this weeks post. I am sorry it is pretty late, I've been busy with schoolwork what with examinations just round the bend. But nevertheless, I am here (:

So this week during Lifespan Psychology tutorial, we had reached our concluding chapter of our syllabus, Death & Bereavement. Now naturally, being in my rather mentally not-so-sound state, I was kind of looking forward to the concluding chapter, taking it lightly and just waiting for it to begin just so I can proudly say that we are done with the syllabus.

However, when I actually learned the chapter, it made me think so much about life, that I did not want it to end there, I wanted to explore so much more into it. And my mind, sort of took the initiative to ponder over some of the things I've learnt in that chapter, and I thought I'd share something with you.

In grieving death, there are 5 stages : Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It kind of got to me as to how these 5 stages, are also stages that we commonly go through even for problems and adversities that mean something to us.

When the incident happens, thoughts tend to race through your head. And you find, every possible reason to tell yourself that its not true, that it cannot be, that it doesn't hurt and that it is not happening. Because you are afraid.

Then you feel this bout of anger, and somewhat disbelief that it could have happened. You feel betrayal in what you have believed in for so long, angry at all the hopes that you feel life cheated you of. You then enter a very bitter state.

And then you are so tired of being bitter, that you begin to create negotiations. You find your mind coming up with " If only "s and " If I could "s. You try to make a deal with your conscience, with the world, with the cosmic happenings because you want so bad for it to go away.

And then you feel like nothing is working, and that you are just not meant for great things anymore. Like it was all just, too good to be true, and there is no point in hoping. You feel sad, and to a certain point worthless, and you are not sure if you'd ever come out of that.

And finally, after awhile, you learn to accept. That things happen for a reason, and that it has in fact already happened. And no amount of bitter bargaining, would change it. The only thing you can do know, is take it, learn from it, grow from it, to a better person.

It is a very interesting point to ponder on, these 5 stages. Well, I have nothing much left to say, but that I hope you all have been well, and that you have a great week ahead (:

I leave you with a quote, that might spin a few gears in your head. (:

" The only thing certain in life, is death.
And yet it is what we all fear the most. "

Feel free to e-mail ( azmira.zailan@yahoo.com ), or tag what you think. It'd be great to here from more of my readers (:

A little more this time.

2009-02-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

Hey all (: It feels terribly good to be back here blogging, as it always does (: Its been a pretty alright week. Especially with the 2 days of Lunar New Year holidays this week, leaving me with only three days of school. So it was generally a good small break.

This week something very strange inspired me enough for me to blog about it. When I was a little girl ( not that I am very grown up now ), I was always rather quiet, and I tend to love doing things on my own, at my own time, my own way. I still recall sitting in my corner of the classroom drawing pictures on the tiles of the floor, while everyone else squabbled around the toy cabinet.

Lately, I found myself feeling the comfort of spending time to myself. Its not that I am upset or angry with the world or anyone, I just find being there with myself, just gives me some space, clarity and comfort. At the same time, I know, just as some of you, that I have the ability to talk a whole lot about anything at all. But I guess maybe, no matter how much I come out of my shell and step out of my comfort circle, its always nice to go back in there. The familiar feeling of warmth and pleasant and comfortable air around me is still the same.

& I find myself feeling just as well as I did when I was in my classroom corner. Its a feeling much missed, and I was glad to have gone back to that for awhile this week.

Also for the second half of my post, one of my readers, Christine, e-mailed me not too long after my last post. It is most elating to receive e-mails like these from my readers, so please, don't hesitate (:

She left her blog url, and there she tagged me for a quiz, so I dutifully oblige as you are my reader, and I am yours (:

1. What have you been doing recently?
Studying and completing assignments. (:

2. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
No, I don't.

3.What happened at 10am today?
I am not sure, I was asleep.

4. When did you last cry?
This morning, I presume.

5. Believe in fate/destiny?
The end is chosen for us, how we get there is not.

6. What do you want in your life now?
Safety, clarity and coffee.

7. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
Its always complicated with me.

8. Are you wearing anything you borrowed for someone?
No I am not.

9. What was the last movie you caught?
I can't recall, it should be Transporter 3.

10. Does the person you like knows that you like him/her?
Yes.

11. Who always makes you laugh?
I crack myself up.

12. Do you speak languages other than English?
Very shabby Malay.

13. Favourite website(s)?
Youtube, blogs, and Google.

14. What are you doing tomorrow?
School at 11 till 4.30 then project work till hopefully before 7.

15. What do you think you are like ?
Nothing you could ever imagine.

16. Who would you choose to die with?
Plunge to death in a suicide pact with the love of my life, or alone.

17. Where have you been today?
In my house.

18. What game do you play often?
Word Challenge on Facebook.

19. Who are you missing right now?
A friend I made when I was once lost who found better things.

20. If you have to choose between a friend and a lover, who will you choose?
A lover and a friend should coincide.

21. What are you doing right now?
Weekly blogging. ((:

22. Which primary school were you from?
Chongfu Primary School.

23 Name 3 colours you like?
Black, white, grey.

24. What emotion do you like to show?
Whichever comes to face at the time.

25. What is life to you?
A gift.

26. If you have something troubling you, what would you do?
Think.

27. Who did you last chat with on msn?
Nj dearest. (:

28. Who do you admire the most?
Nobody really, everyone in different ways.

29. Which month you born in?
July

30. How you feeling right now?
Tired, semi-alright, and hungry.

31. What's the time now?
10.11 pm

32. What color do you like to dye your hair?
Never did, never will.

34. Why you doing this quiz?
Because a very interesting reader of mine told me to. (:

35. What do you do when you are moody?
Eat, cry, listen to my iPod, and think.

36. At which stage do you wish to get married?
Stage? In the words of Lifespan Psychology, Early Adulthood.

37. Who is closest to you?
The voice in my heart.

38. Who is/are the people/person you trust the most?
My best friend.

39. Do you believe in seeing the rainbow after the rain?
Yes, I do no matter how tough it is.

40. If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
Be a teacher, the teacher I have always wanted to be.

41. What is your goal for this year?
Save more money, and be more confident.

42. Do you believe in eternity love?
Love for eternity? I don't think there is any other kind of love.

43. What feeling do you love the most?
The first sip of my coffee.

44. Do you really think it is global warming now?
Yes, I don't think, I know.

45. Do you like quizzes?
Not too fond of them, but its refreshing once in awhile.

46. Do you believe in god?
Yes.

47. Who cares about you the most?
I have absolutely no idea.

48. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Faith.

49. What will you bring when you fight?
Courage.

50. What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
Nothing.

51. What do you do if nobody cared for you any longer?
Care for everyone just the same, and seek comfort in Allah.

Question 52 : What will you do if you boyfriend/girlfriend two-timed you?
Depends.

Oh wow, that was one long entry. Haha (: Well I hope you all got to know me a little better through those questions, and like Christine, please do e-mail me or tag if you want to, I would be more than happy to reply (:

I hope you all have a great week ahead (:

Forgive

2009-01-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

Hey all (: Firstly I would like to apologise terribly for the late entry. I know its already Monday now, and I was suppose to have this up yesterday. I feel so bad, and if it is any consolation, I am typing this on an empty tummy cause you mean more to me than lunch. (: Please, do forgive me sweeties.

This week was relatively better compared to the last.Then again, after the amount of heartache and fear last week, I don't think anything worse would come by anytime soon. Or so I hope. It has been a pretty relaxed week of school, in terms of lessons or how every one of them seems to be getting cancelled. However I must say, that in no way were the DADP students relaxed. Deadlines.

On a more personal note, some of the things that happened this week got me thinking. Despite my discoveries this week, I must say, that there is still somuch I don't understand, and I am still trying to accept.

This week, I learnt that, we are all damaged. No matter how we handle it, we are all damaged. Some of us divert that damage onto others, which in turn hurts them. Some of us take it all in till we explode, and some of us let it heal. And its probably a very difficult thing to let go off the anger and negativity when someone hurts you, for no logical reason at all.

But this week made me think, that maybe there is a reason why that someone hurt me. And it may not be a very good reason, or a logical one, but it could very well be the only reason she knows, because she too is damaged, just like me. And hating her back and hurting her in spite, would not help any of us heal and grow, it just tears open wounds and infects them.

Nobody ever said forgiving was easy. It will never be easy, to put down you ego, put down your anger and ammunition and walk away. Well, I am not walking away. I've hung up my guns, and now I shall help you put yours away too. And I choose to believe that a better ending will come out of all this, out of not taking the easy way out and blasting each other.

New Year Resolution 2:

I will think the situation thoroughly through before I react to it.

Its been a better week, and it will only get better.
Lastly, a very properous Chinese New Year to all my readers. (: May you have a good time, with good food and the people you love around you.

Till next week, have a great one ahead. (:

I'll be seeing you soon.

2009-01-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone (: Weekly update time. Well, as much I would love to say that this week has been a good one, I can't exactly say so. Its been a rather tumultuous week of tears, hurt, confusion, and acceptance.

This week had me thinking of goodbyes. To me, goodbyes are never easy. I am one who rolls around in the comfort of knowing that things will go on, that there is never really a conclusion, an end. In the fact that we will all keep growing together no matter how tough it is, with the guidance of love, faith and patience.

But after a few things that happened this week, I conclude, that goodbyes do not exist to those who do not want to say it. If the two people who are walking in separate directions believe enough in themselves and each other, they will walk away, knowing that one day, they will meet again. I am not saying that its easy now, in fact, its probably what I would consider one of the hardest things in life. The thought of knowingly walking away from someone who you think you cannot live without, and the only thing that keeps you walking is the hope and faith that that someone believes just as much as you do, that the both of you will see each other once more. But its something we will all have to do, for ourselves, for each other.

& we will all come out better and stronger people.

This week has also thought me about the phrase " Every dark cloud, has its silver lining. " Granted, I was an emotional wreck this week, falling asleep in tears, waking up in tears. But through all the sadness, fear and blurry vision one thing was made perfectly clear to me. The people who love me, the people whom I love, were always there for me. When I was at my lowest, its them who sat by me, and let me cry. Let me fall asleep on their couch and finish their ice-cream. I would not want to lose you girls for the world. (:

Schoolwork has been relatively alright, though I cannot deny that it has been rather rough over the week with all my emotions all over the place. But its alright, it will get better, all we have to do is try. Slowly and surely, if we try, it will get better.

I hope your week has been better than mine. (: Just thought I would let you know that, if any of you, my readers, want to talk to me, please do not hesitate to drop me an email, I would be more than glad to reply (:

azmira.zailan@yahoo.com

Have a great week ahead, till we meet again.

New Soul

2009-01-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

So it has been a much better week for me. Far less of emotional turmoil and mid-afternoon cries. Schoolwork has been getting the better of me though, what with both my essays being due on the same day, and a pending presentation. But I guess its all part and parcel of being in DADP, cause after all this we all know how much we'd miss it when its not there.

Well, this brings me to my highlight of the post. DADP has been something that has changed my life, changed the way I think, changed my understanding, and helped me accept things about myself and about other people. It has given me knowledge that I doubt any other institution could have provided me with.

The SP Open House was held from the 8th of January to the 10th of January 2009. During which I was clad in my Singapore Polytechnic tee shirt and my comfy black jeans, informing future students and secondary 4 graduants who are interested in my course, what DADP is really all about.

Now this may sound terribly cheesy to some, but honestly, when I was standing there, telling them about my course, about my school, about my life. I never felt more honoured to be a DADPian, and to share all my love for the course, for the people, for the tears it has made me cry, for the lessons that i have learnt. Its just, a very amazing feeling.

And as I spoke to all these different kids, who all had an eye for simply the words "Applied Drama & Psychology " I could see, that some of them are already so immersed in the magnitude of the course, and were almost ready to jump straight into it and drown in everything it has to offer. I couldn't be more glad to watch such passion.

I then spent sometime with a few of my most treasured people. Had a blast walking around the campus with them, and lounging around in the Media Viewing Room in the library. Talking about anything and everything, laughing our heads off and enjoying every moment of it. (: Undoubtedly one of the best days.

During the week, I had one of the most wonderfully elating talks with someone who means to world to me. It was just hours and hours, of talking about anything that came to mind, feeding of each others replies and just smiling. Genuinely smiling, enjoying a conversation and the company of each other (: After all the drama, all the tears all the hours and nights of sleeplessness, faith carried us through, and I know that you and I will be okay, always and forever.

To my CG & Fi:

All the best for tomorrow loves (: Remember, that no matter what happens, I will be here for you, and that there will always be options for you. You've tried your best, and have hope and faith that it will all be okay. Because I have faith. ((:
I'll see you sweethearts tomorrow.

To my readers:

Okay, I know I have been a little sluggish and tardy with my updates, and my deepest apologies. Its just been a pretty hectic 2009 so far, and I often find myself too mentally exhausted to form coherent sentences on this screen. But I promise, I will try harder to update on time, and share more of my everydays with you all. Takecare of yourselves, and have a great week ahead (:

Resolutionary

2009-01-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Good greetings to all (: I guess it is once again time for me to update this space with little bits and pieces of my thoughts over the past week, and I must say the feeling of typing this right now, with a slight smile on my face, never wears out on me.

So the highlight of the week for most people would be of course, the celebration as we have stepped forth into 2009. It still somehow kind of amazes me how a across races, religion and nationality, everybody counts down the last 10 seconds of the year together. With hopes of the same viscosity, all counting to a new beginning, and counting on a new beginning.

I spent my 10 seconds, at home, with my family. I guess I am not such an enthusiast about a whole horde of perspiring people pushing and shoving and jumping around. My beginning of 2009 was spent in front of the telly, half asleep, with my little brother screaming " Happy New Year ! Happy Hew Year! ". Perfect (:

The past week has been pretty alright. Upon seeing some of my old friends and juniors, it kinda dawned on me on how some things just don't change. That there will always be the girl who is the prettiest one, and there will always be the awesome guys who talk so much rubbish, but that's why you love 'em, and there will always be the girl who just, wanders, gets along with everyone and yet doesn't get along with anyone, the trustworthy but non-trusting. Nothing changes.

I've been reading a few blogs lately, and everyone seems to have a list of resolutions tagged along to the new year. I'd love to feed you all with a feast of things I'd love to change about my life right now, but this year, I think I will not have a pre-ordained list of things that I want to fix.

Instead, I will add in my resolutions as they come by, through out the year. And at the end of the year, I would compile it all into a list, not of resolutions, but of changes. Changes that helped me grow, and growth that helped me change.

Fancy that idea ey?

And here is number 1:

No matter how hurtful and scary it may be to have faith and hope, it is the one thing that keeps me going from day to day. So have faith, hold on to hope and dare to dream.

2009, I'm ready this time.

Happy New Year !

2008-12-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

Hello world (: Firstly I want to apologise for delaying this post for far too long. I know I haven't been blogging for awhile now, trsut me I have been trying to get through this post for ages now, I just can't seem to get to the end. I guess there is much to say about 2008 and not many ways to say them.

Like the way I can't find the right words to describe the way my new school has made me feel. The familiar feeling of novelty that I have now, and how it reminds me so much of back in April. When I had such excitement for a fresh new beginnning, and yet such fear for all the question marks that come with it. The slight uncertainty that I had walking right into, what I found to be the most amazing thing that could have ever rang on my doorbell.

I can't seem to put in words, how the people in my class, the very souls who all chose the same door that I did, are all part of me now. DADP 02, there is no other class I would rather be in than ours. We have our tough times, but not any one of us can deny that we had a blast, and we will continue being the most awesome class that Singapore Polytechnic has ever had. Because it was meant to be. I believe so. So thank you, for all the lessons we have learnt together, in, about and through our Diploma in Applied Drama and Psychology. It hasn't even been a year, but I have learnt so much and grown so much already. Grateful, forever I will be.

I don't know how to say how much I will always remember 2008 as the year of close bonds. Its the year where I missed Spiderman the most, because he was even further, and I never started out more alone, and just as I missed him, he never failed to prove that he is there, still watching over me. The year where I felt that I could not make it through because my CG would be too far away. And as it turned out, this year glued us together more than I could ever imagine. I would have never made it out alive without late night 2 hour phone calls, and CG outings that I look forward to.

Grace, thank you. For all that you've done for me. For the occasional lunch we have. For the best birthday a girl like me could ask for. For being my angel. ((:

Its the year where I got close to one of the people who now mean the most to me, who I cannot imagine not knowing, who has thaught me things that I could not have learnt, and helped me overcome fears that I never thought I could. My favourite boy, thank you, for all the time, the tears, the laughter, everything.

And its the year I met one of the most caring, heartfelt people in the world. I met Ezzat. The Ezzat who I can talk to about anything at all, and I know he won't judge me and leave me stranded. The Ezzat who I can spend the whole day with looking for library books, or baking goods. Anything goes. The Ezzat, who I never want to be without during lectures. ((:

How can I ever write it down so that it makes sense. How can I put one whole year into a few paragraphs, and expect to do justice to 2008. This, honestly, has been the best year of the 17 years of my life. Alhamdulillah, for everything that this year has brought me.

2009, is a new year, full of surprises, full of unknowns. And as I walk into this new year, I shoulder just as much fear as excitement, just as much sadness in goodbyes as hopes in hellos. I've grown a whole lot in the past year, and the next year, will be one full of blessings, full of good times, that I life will not allow me to misplace. Good times, shared with the ones that I love.

I don't know how, to put everything I wanted to say in words. Because it would have made so much more sense as I hear it in my heart.

To all, a very most amazing new year, an incredibly blesssed Awal Muharram, and as well as a hearty merry Christmas. its been a great year, and here's to greater memories made and times shared, for all of us. (:

Tiny Voices

2008-12-19T04:23:00.001-08:00

& So the once so carefully carved ice sculpture melts, dripping slowly to meet as one, in the form of a shapeless puddle. Less beautiful now, less magical now. But still made of the same substance. No matter what form it takes, it is still after all, just a single being, the way it was made. Perfect.

This week hasn't been a really pretty one for me. Been going through some rough moods and erratic bouts of insecurity that swing by. I guess, I have been thinking about some of the things that play a big part in my life, my studies, my passion for teaching, my love for music, this very blog. It was almost a natural reaction to associate all these parts of my life, with the people who matter so much to me. & the fear that I may not be significant enough for them, blew me to nothing.

I am sure avid readers of my blog, would have read a post or two not too far back in my life, about me somehow feeling insecure, when I look at other people. People who I want to emulate, people who have an effect on me. & I realise, that no matter how much I know, that I will still remain as who I truly am, and I will not miraculously change into something of their liking, there will always be this portion of my mind, even in the slightest way that would question the value of my true self, compared to what I see before me.

I was talking to a friend about this recently, and he told me that he calls the above, "tiny voices". & he reminded me that these tiny voices are in fact, just imaginary lines. Lines that we draw for ourselves, because we are afraid, if the 'could be's and the 'how to's.

Over this week, I have learnt that as a creator of my tiny voices, I can just as well diminish them. Because if I had the power and the strength to create them in the first place, I should have equal to destroy them. Slowly and surely, I will try. And maybe one day, I would not cry when I am faced with a dashing hot young woman with great talent, just because that is who I want to be. Instead, I will be happy that there is such great talent in the world, and I will look at myself, and find my talent, for someone else to look forward and up to.

I have hope, and I choose to believe that I can make it through the rain.

Till next week, have a great one ahead lovelies (:

Falling Slowly

2008-12-17T02:31:00.000-08:00

So maybe, deep down, it hurts & I know it.
& I try to be strong, because I have too few tears left.

" Compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright.
We both know that I'm not that strong. "

Dear Diary

2008-12-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hey all ((: I am proud to say that I have finally finished my holiday journal, for you guys to read. I hope you like it. When I was on holiday, I wrote my journal on post-its, so I typed them out once I got back. Seeing as how 8 posts will completely butcher the arrangement of my blog, I decided to place my holiday entries in a separate blog.

Well, I guess that is about it for now, I will go back to blogging regularly once the weekend comes. But for now I am going back to all my essay writing that I have to get done. ):

Here is the URL for my holiday journal sweethearts, enjoy :

www.azieinaustralia.blogspot.com

Oh yes, I do have to recommend a song to all of you. It is Baby Come On, by Plus 44. I caught up with a friend who I haven't spoken to in awhile. It sort of prompted me to listen to a song that I haven't listened to in awhile, Baby Come On by Plus 44. I was keen to place it up as my blog song, but I realised it would be a little loud and disruptive for reading. So yeah, but do listen to it alright (:

Home

2008-12-14T06:31:00.000-08:00

Hey loves, I am back home safely in Singapore. ((:

I know I promised that I will blog about the wonderful experiences that Australia had to offer me, but I am gosh darn exhausted. And I am only halfway typing them out anyway. So for now, I guess I am taking comfort in knowing that I am home safely, to be greeted by the priceless knwing that the people whom I love are safe and well. (:

I will blog soon, I've missed my dearest laptop that is my window to you, my readers who I treasure most deeply.

I hope you've had a great 10 days as well, and we shall meet again soon (:

On Holiday

2008-12-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hello all. (: It is time for the weekly update, however it sort of pains me to say that this would be my last post for quite awhile. No no, I am not going on a another emotional hiatus. I will in fact be a million miles away, in the land down under.

Yes, I will be on holiday in Australia as of tomorrow, for the very long period of the next ten days! So I will be returning back home her to sunny Singapore on the 14th of December 2008.

I guess it is a good thing that I have this break for awhile. I guess it is a little gap in proximity from school and the hectic schedules, which would probably give me some emotional space to allow my mind to wander and explore, and I will most certainly wake up to inspirational days, which I will come home to share with all of you, I promise.

Well, during these ten days, I wish all of you, my readers, the most pleasant mornings to wake up to, and the most comfortable nights to put your head to rest. Insyallah we will all be in the best of health throughout, till we meet once more.

Little notes for the ones I cannot live without:

For Spiderman:

Be safe, as always. Takecare of yourself, eat well.

For Azli:

Hey there. I hope you read this. Please takecare of yourself, both physically and emotionally, Make sure you go for any of the check ups that you need to. You have my letter with you, and please pay attention to the little notes in your Little Black Book, designed to make your everyday an awesome one. ((: Please eat well, and get your rest. Stay safe and don't do anything dangerous/stupid okay.

For the CG & Fi:

I'm on holiday! Haha. I will miss all of you, and I will see you all soon.

Last but not definitely not least,

For my boyfriend:

Baby, takecare of yourself. I will be back soon. Be careful at silat camp. Don't miss me too much! ((:

Well then I guess that's pretty much it before I go. Have a wonderful holiday, all of you. Don't worry I will be home soon, but if there is really something you need to let me know, then please please do not hesitate to drop me an e-mail, and if you are afraid that you might forget something that you want to talk to me about after ten days, you are welcome to do the same, or leave me and offline message as well. ((: I will miss you all.

My e-mail : azmira.zailan@yahoo.com

My MSN : krazie_azmira91@hotmail.com

Bon voyage, sweethearts.

Puzzles

2008-11-28T06:03:00.000-08:00

Hey ho and hello to all (: It is about four in the afternoon now. I guess a suitable time to blog, considering it isn't too early into the day and it isn't too late to the point I don't make sense anymore. Honestly I was thinking of spending tomorrow blogging but I figured a little early update wouldn't do crime to no one, so here you go sweeties!

Well, the second last week of school has officially come to an end, leaving me with one last week before term break till next year. (: I suppose the break is really coming at a good time, all of us are pretty burnt out, and withered. I guess everyone needs sometime to recharge and get ready for the final and concluding term of freshman year. Assignments and presentation due dates are all popping up, and I am pretty pleased to say that DADP is panicking much less than we did last semester.

This week, my life has been gnawing and pulling at my control a whole lot. I guess I have always simply suppressed my feelings when I get irritated, annoyed or angered at another person. But for some reason over the past week, I have been exceptionally irritable. Things as common and simple as somebody complaining incessantly can actually get me pretty ticked off. I suppose I really didn't mean to be so edgy lately, but I can't seem to pin-point the reason behind my unexpected mood diversion.

Another interesting thing that has been happening this week, is my encounters with the oh-so-commonly-used-by-everyone phrase " I don't know. " All through this week, I have heard those words, both said by others and myself. I've been posed with quite a number of serious questions about my life and my relationships, and going through them in my head, has had me saying " I don't know. " more than anything else.

Well, I guess we all get frustrated when we don't know the answers. I know I do. We so longingly want to solve the puzzle we are going through right now so we can just move on with our lives. But sometimes, the truth is, we really don't know.

And it is okay to not know. Its alright to have no idea what to do, or how to do it. It is absolutely fine to feel lost. Because we are all human. And there has to be a point in time where we have just absolutely no idea what to do, how to do it, where we are going or how to get there.

Without these moments of complete nothingness, we wouldn't need each other, we wouldn't need guidance, we would not have to think or discover better, greater things in the quest for our directions and decisions. And to me, that is loss that deprives us of much more, as compared to being denied instant solutions to our puzzles.

The answers will come when we are ready to hear them, when we are ready to see them. That is what I choose to believe. And that maybe, just maybe we are given all this time to ponder, wonder, cry and press on, to gain the actual reward of the matter, a greater insight to ourselves, the people around us, and everything in between.

It has been a blessed week, I hope it has been the same on your part.

I wish all of you well (:

Till next week then, hope you have a great one! ((:

One Slowdance

2008-11-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

I look you in the eyes,

I try to read your thoughts.

I ask you to go with me,

to a far off place.

You and me dancing the night away.

You can feel my heart beating so hard.

We look eye to eye,

and I'm swept away.

On a moonlit walk on the beach,

watching the sunrise for the first time.

We don't have to talk, we don't have to laugh at all.

I just want you here with me.

For Spiderman

2008-11-21T04:53:00.001-08:00

Spiderman, its always been easier with you here. But you told me once, that I've always listened to what you said, and you've always been fighting my battles for and with me. And you told me that I was going to have to do this on my own, and be strong. You told me that you'd still be here, the way you are, as always, not too far away from me.

Spiderman, its getting harder to do this sometimes, and sometimes its just so tempting to just stop trying. Because sometimes I feel that I'm not strong enough for this. But then I think about you, and all you have helped me learn, and grow from, and the faith I have in you, and you in me. And the problems and the bumps along the road don't run any smoother, and it doesn't hurt any less when I fall, but thinking of you, my superhero, makes it easier to get up and keep going.

This little girl misses you, terribly terribly so.

Stay safe, and takecare of yourself Spiderman.

You are always with me, always.

Intertwined

2008-11-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

Good evening all. (: Its been a pretty fumbly jumbly week, with quite a few things happening in both the outside world, and the one in my heart. Schoolwork is really piling up pretty fast, seeing as it is almost the end of the term, which actually would soon leave me with my last term as a freshman and then I am a full fledged Year 2 student. I guess Mr.Time sure has a way of whizzing past me when I least suspect it. I guess it is a tad too early to be giving my ' End of Freshman Year' speech here, so let's leave that for a more apt juncture in time.

As for this week, I guess mainly what has touched my heart the most is how amazing we humans can be sometimes. Its honestly been an extraordinarily heartwarming week for me, so pardon me if I get a little mushy here. This week, it sort of dawned on me, in the best way possible, that regardless of the amount of hell we go through in our lives as teenagers, adults, children, elderly, we still stick up for each other, we still stick together.

I have been pretty irritable and restless lately, I am not sure why yet, but I'd figure it out soon enough I suppose. But despite this irritability and short-tempered-ness. I find myself still trying my best not to blow my fuse on anyone around me. I guess its cause i know, that they could be feeling pretty crabby too, just expressing it in a different way. And also, I guess its not so much in the effort of avoiding trouble, but sometimes to even give support. I know my friends could possibly tell,t his has really not been the easiest week for me, and they were still supportive enough not to hold it against me, or to run me down for some of the little tiffs and spats we have.

Beyond just my life, I think this also extends to the people around me. When I see lecturers waiting for each other to go and have lunch. I mean, I suppose they may not know what each other is going through, but I guess they know that a little company may help. And they offer what they can, in hopes and good intentions.

Even my grandmother, in her glorious age, called my mother up at work yesterday, wishing her a happy birthday. Even though my mother's birthday really is today. She argued for awhile on the phone that it was the 21st yesterday, until she realised that it in fact wasn't. Nevertheless, she laughed it off, and told my mother she is still the first to wish her, and she gave her well wishes in a manner that could not be more sincere. I found this incredibly warm, and it blesses me to have such an amazing woman as my grandmother.

So I guess with all that said, people try. Maybe we don't see it all the time, cause we are looking for something else, but I realised that people actually do try to make it easier. And I am grateful.

To an incredibly dear friend of mine:

I hope you are doing better now. Nothing could have scared me as much as waking up in the morning to something like that, to the fear the thought of you being in pain somewhere by yourself, knowing you were trying to reach me, but I was not there. I am so sorry, I care for you more than you could ever imagine. We'll talk about the things we never thought we could say, soon, one day. And till then, know that you are always in my heart, and I will always be here for you. You'll be fine, I promise. I know you are strong enough. Take good good care of yourself, I will see you soon. (:

Milestones

2008-11-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

Good morning all (: Somehow, there is always this warm wonderful feeling of blogging in the morning. Its far contrasting from the feeling of lethargic blogging in the wee hours of the night, trying to type coherently. & I must say its a splendid Sunday morning, its been awhile since the sun has been up and shining so fervently, and yet not heating up the earth but simply making the day a brighter one.

This past week has been surprisingly less draining than the one before. I am not sure if the workload has decreased after a few presentations, or maybe i am simply adapting to the workload. Either way, I suppose less exhaustion is always a good thing, so who's complaining right?

This week, I finally met my CG after waiting for far too long. & I realised that between the four of us, nothing has changed. We are still the same, the way we always are. Nadiana will never fail to always be the girliest out of all the four. Nadia, still as noisy and the way she leads ( probably cause she's the tallest ). Liy, who is hungry, as usual and the one who always and forever not only entertains, but participates in my nonsense.

I wouldn't have it any other way. (:

Yesterday was baby Akira's very first birthday. He is the bundle of buttery creamy roundness that everyone can't help but adore. Yesterday was the first time he could stack 3 blocks up together. And its was just, inspiring when I then watched what happened after. Aunty Shiomi said to my uncle " Sayang, he can stack the blocks already! " My uncle then replies " Really! Well done! That's great! ".

Its somehow heartwarming to see parents, waiting to see the child go through each milestone. And when the child does, its a big thing for their parents. I suppose it may transcend to the later years as well, where different milestones are reached, depending on the child. I think it could be varying from not losing your ez-link card, to being able to take the bus on your own. I suppose, now that I think about it, as big a deal as it is to us kids that we can take the bus on our own, it could very well be an even bigger deal to our parents, who've been waiting for that day even longer than we have.

Well its been a great week. And tomorrow is the start of a new one. So let's pray that there is an even better week ahead, Insyallah.(:

The reason that I'm singing

2008-11-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

I absolutely don't like it, when during a concert, the artiste performing puts his/her microphone towards the audience, expecting then to fill in the lyrics, and all the audience does is " AAAAAAAAH! ". It gets, annoying. & besides I think the artiste only let's the audience sing the heightened or more impactuful parts of the song, and its just such butchery when you replace " I think I'm going insane now woah! " with something like " Aaaaahh! ".

Well, I am pretty much getting ready to get to school for that Parents' Forum thingamajig.I know, what an unopportuned time to decide to blog. But I thought I had better get this blogged before I either return home too exhausted, or my laziness gets the better of me.

I will update more about the week later tonight, or maybe tomorrow. (:

Oh and a million 'thank you's to those who helped me with the link in my previous post. It means alot to me. For those who haven't, I relly hope you do. The link will be up there still, so if you find the time, it'd be super appreciated. (:

Know Your Self

2008-11-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Azmira

Hey sweethearts, I stumbled upon this on the internet. (:

It'd be great if you could help me with it.

Thanks a million!

Shall update soon loves. (:

Violently Happy

2008-11-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

The past week has been hectic, exhausting and absolutely draining, and yet it has probably been one of the most non-dramatic weeks I have had in a long long time.

Today Miss Div asked is how we felt the semester has gone for us so far. And it set me thinking for abit. Comparing last semester to this one, I realise that this semester, though simpler in terms of content and module assesment, is just immensely more draining on every one of us. We are actually putting our heads down and sleeping during breaks, and sometimes struggling to remain focused during lessons. But its okay DADP, we will do it, we can do this together, just like last semester, just better this time.

Been spending quite some time with sweetheart, just going to school together, after school meals, and train rides. But its enough (:

This week, I was very inspired by candy. It was during Devised Drama on Monday that one of my groupmates brought Gobstoppers to class for consumption purposes of course. And it somehow struck in my mind, that humans are like Gobstoppers. We are hardy entities, somewhat forced to be due to the way the world has made us. And we have layers, where each one is a different colour, we are different people in one person. I know I may not be making sense here, but I sincerely hope you get a at least a vague picture of my imagination.

But well my point is, that no matter what colour we are, and at which layer we are at, in the core of our existance, we are all Gobstoppers. Gobstoppers of different colours, put in the same box. Living, rolling over each other, pushing each other up. Its rather comical, but nevertheless breath-taking when you think about it.

Its been an amazing week, and I hope you are all back to reading my blog. (: Oh and a few things to say, to a few people, just because I've been thinking of you.

The CG:

Prom sweethearts, prom.

Grace:

You are missed. Very much so. We should eat together some time soon.

Fi:

You are missed as well.

DADP:

We are so tired. I know. But we have to pull through.

My readers:

You have a great great fireworks filled week ahead. Thank you, for being the purpose of my blog. (:

Superwoman

2008-11-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

This post is for my dear friend. Thanks for the call this morning, I completely forgive you for waking me up. Don't worry, I am not walking out of your life, I will always be here. You should always remember that, in case in times of trouble, I falter and I fumble. You and I have this special friendship of ours, and like I said, you had one conversation to prove it worth holding on to. And you did it. I am not letting this go. Thanks, for reminding me of what strength I have, and for being so supportive. You are my favourite accident. That, will never change.

Eventhough I'm a mess, I still put on a vest with an 'S' on my chest.

Oh yes, I'm a superwoman.

Oxygen

2008-10-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hello again, to all. I know it has been awhile, and once again I do apologise. During my time away from this cyber sanctuary of mine, I couldn't help but find myself fighting an almost instinctual urge. The urge that has kept this blog as alive as I am, over the past few years. I guess you never really know what you are missing until its gone.

As you can see, I have changed my blog layout to a far more colourful variety. I suppose it is reflective of the way I have been seeing life as recently. Yes, life is summer hair, life is ice cold water in the scorching sun, life is the smell of fresh bread, life is what we all dream about.

Well obviously there will be times where indeed even I feel like quitting, but I has soem time to mull over the matter. And well, I have decided, that from now on, I shall not refer to gray with derogative connotations. It puzzles me as to why the colour gray or black is associated with sadness and well, maladaptive happenings in out lives. So from this moment forth, when I am feeling down, it is not gray, it shall be simply a colour or a shade, that I happen to be less fond of.

So bottom line, I am back to blogging. And another detail is that I have not included my tagboard yet. I guess, I am not ready for that just as of this very moment. I trust that my posts, will continue to somehow be worth reading, to every single one of you reading this now, even without my tagboard. Not to worry, it will come back out, soon enough. I have not decided if I will put out my previous one, or start afresh. Oh well, that decision, is to be left for when the time is right.

For now, welcome back, and I suggest, we have a blast.

Anoxia

2008-10-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

My dearest readers,

It hurts me so to be typing this because you are very loved and appreciated. However, I hope you understand when I say, that I am taking a break from blogging for awhile. I need some space to think, to grow, and to learn, and to breathe. I will be back, I promise. I am just not emotionally ready right now, to share. It will take me some time, but I sincerely do hope that you will have faith in me just as I do in all of you. That this relationship we have through this blog will not diminish over time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Once again, I am so sorry, but it is something that I need to do.

I will be back, with a million thoughts in heart, and a thousand hopes in my hands. And I will spill them all on bed of words, for all to see.

Because we all need a little more room, to live.

All my love,
Azie

Neglect

2008-10-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hello there sweethearts. I know I know, its been far too long, and I do sincerely apologise for my recent hiatus from blogging, I guess I've been pretty busy with school and I've honestly been coming home absolutely drained, mentally and physically.

Last Monday, as the first ever School of Communications, Arts & Social Sciences' Talentime. It was a very good learning experience being the Main Organiser. I've learnt that it takes a lot of responsibility and preparation into any event. Its not the same as secondary school, where everything is mapped out for you. Now, you have to work from scratch by yourself. But it was a rewarding experience as I saw the success of the event. Once again, a billion thanks to my organising committee, students & lecturers of CASS. And last but most certainly not least, my sweetheart for coming just to support me. ((:

School has really been taking its toll on me. I am absolutely tired out by school. In this week itself, in one of my I-need-to-just-die moments, I asked myself this : Why do I do this? Why am I here, in DADP? And at that moment, it made sense. i am here because this is what I was born to do. I was born to teach. I was born to help others. I am here, to be what I was born to be. A teacher, a friend, a better person.

Over the months, since I have entered Singapore Polytechnic, I have learnt so much more about others and myself as well. And it has helped me grow so much, and this growth is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received, because it has undeniably made me a happier person. This happiness may not always be there, or come at the most opportune time, but its genuine, its real, and its irreplaceable.

Recently I have also been singing much much more. And with training, I think and I most certainly hope I am improving. Singing, may not be my inborn talent, but its something that I enjoy doing, and it brings joy to others, that I know, so why not share the gift of music right? So yes, hopefully I'll be the not the next Singapore Idol, but just better. Haha.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. Special update on Sunday, so keep reading! (: Once again, my apologies for the lack of updates and the pretty short one today. Hormonal waterfall isn't doing much to ease the ebbing of exhaustion from day to day.

It will all get better in time.

To the CG:

I miss you all, and I've been praying that you go through the papers with ease and comfort. Allah will watch over you, and just have faith that no matter what happens, you've tried your best, and the rest is up to Him. I love you three! I will see you all as soon as I can. Takecare loves.

To Grace:

You are missed.

To Sayang:

Sorry for being annoying today, and thanks for being annoying today. Its 2 more days baby ((:

Through The Rain

2008-10-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am deeply deeply hurt. I started to change my style and content of blogging, as I grew up and over the years. Because I myself have grown as a person, and I blog about the lessons and the thoughts that I have, because I want to share them with people who want to be inspired, and who need a good thought on a bad day, and people who just need something to read. It hurts me so much that I am doing this with no ill-intention, with no hard feelings, and with good thoughts and hopes in mind and heart, only to receive such spiteful and hateful remarks that are not even true on my tagboard.

Well, whoever you may be, congratulations. You have hurt me, terribly.

I am not giving in to what you think of me, because I know that is not who I am. And the only person to judge me or my mistakes, would be God. I will not stop talking and sharing about my religion here on my blog. I believe with good thoughts and intentions, good products and outcomes will arrive. It may not happen instantly, or with such intensity, but it will and has come for me, through this blog.

I know I can make it through all this, and its okay to feel sad.
Because sadness is a feeling, and it is part of me. I have every reason to feel hurt and sad, but I will not falter. I will not set my blog to private, or even stop blogging, or change my tagboard. I will continue to blog, the way I always have. God will not throw something at me, that I cannot handle. Insyallah, we will all be better people in the end, out of all this hurt.

On other aspects of my life. School has started for me, and I must say, it has been nothing but excellent. It feels good to be around the people I am comfortable with and to see them well and alive again. The little things, like sitting with Ezzat in lecture, and eating drumlets during break, spewing out nonsense in the heat of the weather for entertainment. To share company and food with my dearest friends. It feels even better to be experiencing all this warmth and love in school. Where we all learn and grow together, sharing the same passion for what we study. I've missed this feeling quite terribly, and it feels completely stellar to have it back.

So far the workload has been manageable. Its a comfortable pace to start, and I think in general, we are all more sure of what is coming and how to handle it. We'll work through this semester together DADP. We can all do this, and we will all make it to Year 2. So if all goes well, Insyallah, everything will be just peachy. (:

Note to self:
In hurt, and sadness, find the inner-peace that will forever be in your heart and soul as a Muslim. Pray, and believe that God will make a path for you out of your sadness and into the light. Maybe this happened for a better reason, we just have to believe that God has a masterplan, and He loves us. He will not throw me something I cannot handle. He is the all-forgiving and the all-punishing, judgement is only in His hands, not any mere mortal. So focus on Him Zie, He will guide you through.

Issue

2008-10-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Oh well, as the owner of this blog, I seem to have an issue to address here.

Well, simply put. I know I do share alot on my religion, and how I feel towards my religion. And some of that may make you feel uncomfortable, if you are Muslim or non-muslim. And my sincere apologies. However, I do share with you about my religion and the way I see it, because I feel that it is a good thing to share, and because I believe in Allah. And Insyallah, by sharing good thoughts, the world will be a better place.

Some of you, or one, as I have derived from my tagboard, may find me being hypocritical. Just to address this, I believe that, I know what I do in my life, and the only other person who knows what I do in my life is God. So what goes on, and how I am judged, will only be in the hands of Allah.

It does not upset me that you have accused me of such, insolence. However it just saddens me that, there are people like you, who would preach about hypocrisy in Islam, and yet leave your name on my tagboard as "God".

What happens in our lives, our sins, our blessings, is not for us to decide. All we can do is have faith, and learn.

To the tagger, I sincerely hope, that you find a better place in you soon. I will pray for you, and maybe one day, you will find a kinder warmer corner of yourself to share with the rest of the world.

Greener grass

2008-10-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Balance. Its all about balance. The balance of light and dark, sweet and sour, good and evil. Its the balance of opposites that make them exist. This week, I realised quite a few things about balance.

Firstly, I chose my General Elective Module (GEM). Its a module that has nothing to do with what you are learning in your course of study. I chose Mathematical Games and Puzzles. Yes, I know.But that's why I chose it, because ( this may sound strange ) I needed the balance of the numbers, to even out the words that I have in my course. And also, maybe by taking this module, I'd learn to use my logic when I need to, and not always follow my feelings, because I think we all know too well where that can land us.

I also watched The House Bunny with dearest yesterday. It made me think about balance. Between our individuality, and the somewhat conformity that we submit to in the reality of the world we live in now. We are always going to be influenced but we have to stay true to our own personalities because that is what makes us who we are. & its just almost saddening the way the identity of each young soul is slowly dissipating in the so called youth identity.

I guess, I am not against the idea of having a common identity as the youth of today, but its just like how no matter how much time you spend with your loved ones. When it all boils down to the bottom, its just you. And to depend on yourself, I would think that you need to know yourself, and be true to yourself, right?

And there would be the incessant question, or more so niggling reminder that whispers in your mind, about how the grass is always greener on the other side. How it always seems like the people everyone sees are the only people that exist. On the contrary, it is somehow the people who everyone sees, that have lost themselves completely. They are noticed, but not found.

I am not a mess, I am art. I am not lost, I am undiscovered.
Undiscovered art.
For, its is nothing but true, that the grass is only greener, where it rains.

More than a love song

2008-10-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

And I want to give to you, give to you
more than a love song can give,
more than a feeling like this,
more than a dim light upon the path you walk,
more than my words can explain,
more than the falling rain,
more than the sun shines upon your lovely face;
it’s more than a love song.

We're more than a love song.

Aidilfitri

2008-09-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

After a long and magical Ramadhan, the Muslim community is now experiencing their last day of the fasting month. Somehow, its mixed feelings for me. A part of me absolutely cannot wait to eat in the daytime, as trivial as it may seem. And yet another part of me, just hasn't had enough of the magic.I haven't had enough of the family, of the rushing to get food served on time, of the early morning sleepiness.

Tomorrow is the first day of Syawal, when we celebrate Aidilfitri. The first day of Aidilfitri, always brings back this sense of full circled-ness.Like how we have come into another year, and ther year where we see flashing lights on people's windows, when we eat ketupat in the morning, and where families going out colour code their dressing. Its quite quaint, and yet nostalgic.

But Aidilfitri, is more than just new clothes, and delectable platters in the daytime. Its a time of forgiveness. A time to apologise, for all that we did wrong, or did not do right. As well as a time to forgive, to forgive sincerely those who had caused hurt, both physically and on the inside. A time to start over, and a time to rejoice, in all that we have been given, especially after being reminded of all the important things, like being thrifty & remembering our families during Ramadhan.

To all my fellow readers, Muslim or not, I wish you a very Happy Aidilfitri, from the bottom of my heart. May you have had a good, complete and blessed Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah. Insyallah, He will give us the gift of long life, and we will be able to meet the next Ramadhan. My sincere apologies, for hurt that I have caused, in any way at all. Be it through any of my posts, or even outside of the cyber world, I sincerely do apologise. Here is to a new beginning, a better one, Insyallah.

Choices

2008-09-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Choices. Everyday, we make choices. Choices between red or blue, between him or her, between you or I. We choose everyday, between people. We inevitably have to say no to one or the other, and as much as that hurts for both the one making the choice and the one being chosen over, it has to happen.

Just because everything is changing, it doesn't mean it has never been this way before. No matter what you choose, who you choose. The choices are still there. Just as one may not have chosen another, in that choice, the unchosen has been somewhat chosen for something else. Something more, something less, something different.

I suppose after some thought, a 'no' in one way, could mean a 'yes' to every other thing. The way when one door closes, another opens. And somehow we have to have faith through it all. That the right doors won't slam in our faces, and the wrong doors won't lure us in.

I don't think there is such a thing as a wrong choice. As much as choosing to drink yourself crazy the night before you have a major proposal is a terrible thing to do, you'll learn from it. I am not condoning the neglect and non-thoughtfulness in making choices, I am just saying that sometimes people do stupid things which screw up their lives for awhile, but that only allows them to grow, and gives them the choice to stand up.

Life, is about choices. So choose to live.

Better in Time

2008-09-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

So my past entry was a whole lot on confidence, or rather my apparent lack of it. And over the past week, I must say that I have learnt a thing or two about confidence. That as tough as it may be to have it, only you can make it exist. Its almost like chasing something that only you can give yourself.

I had an online conversation with a friend recently, and it tops the list of online conversations that I would remember for the rest of my life. He asked me to do a series of things, involving paper. And we all know how touchy I get when it comes to paper. So it put me in a terribly uncomfortable position, and even brought me to tears at how horrible painful it was to be having the conversation with this friend of mine, whom I trust. But it made me learn something.

I learnt, that I can do these things. I have the ability and the courage to do them. Its just how much I allow myself to beleive that I can do them. Its the same dynamics as when I get scared at high places I guess. I automatically just tell myself that its too high, and I cannot do this. Maybe one day, I will believe in myself enough to sky dive. Baby steps.

Throughout the past few days, I also did bump into an ex-schoolmate. Not one I am close to or anything, but definitely someone noticable. She has always been the perfect girl. The girl who is hopelessly pretty, even though her life is so dramatic and her hair is all over the place. She's tall, and she can weat all sorts of clothes.

& Seeing her the other day, somehow just sent me into this downward spiral of low self-esteem. Or as I would say in more casual terms, I felt unpretty. I kept trying to pin-point, what exactly about her, did I want to have in me. Was it her hair? No not really. Was it her height? Well, maybe. Was it her clothes? No, I'd never wear what she wears. Then it hit me.

I wanted her confidence.

But as confident as she may be to others, I realise that maybe to herself, she is not confident. You know what I mean? I concluded, that confidence, like every other thing worth thinking about when it comes to yourself, is specific to each individual. So I guess, maybe to me, confidence does not come in wearing weird clothes without looking weird, or in speaking French.

Maybe to me, confidence, is just being brave enough to embrace change outside my comfort circle. Outside my little sanctuary where people tear paper with rulers, and where I don't have to speak in front of a million people. Yes, maybe my confidence lies in the ability to say that its alright to not tear paper with a ruler.

Its been an enlightening week. More so from negatives then picture perfection. But its okay, we all have our ups and downs and turnarounds.I am just glad to have learnt something from it, the way I was supposed to.

Oh, and to my dearests, Grace, Shye, Fi, Nick, and The CG, [ and S for tagging (: ] who made me feel better these past few days by simply being here, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Like shadows in your headlights, like goodbyes that are out of sight.

Cofidence

2008-09-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

Promise me, you'll leave the light on.

Hello again, yes, well I am sure 6 days indicates that it is indeed due time for an update. On a sunshiny note, I have successfully made it through half a month of Ramadhan. (: It did pass by rather quickly during the second week, when DADP was busy with the DADP Outreach programme. Speaking of that, DADP, we should be real proud of ourselves for the experience, both ours, and our participants'.

Last night, I had a short conversation through text messages with a friend. I was teling him about how I wish I was more confident sometimes. And I do. I'm not saying I am not contented with who I am, its just that niggling feeling deep in me, that wishes, or more so wonders what'd be like, to not be so afraid.

I don't want to be the girl who is in the limelight all the time, I just want to be the girl that isn't so afraid to be in the limelight when it happens to dawn upon her. You know? I don't want to have to rehearse my lines in my head on the train ride to school, on the morning of a presentation. I wish I didn't feel so afraid when everyone looks at me. I wish, I wasn't so scared to look people in the eye.

& There is always that thing in me that smacks me on the back of my head telling me that bravery isn't exactly going to rain upon me, like milk on wheatfields in the 2 second production of Koko Krunch. But I can't seem to tell myself where to start either. I know, I sound pretty lost don't I. But I am, when it comes to this.

So is bravery, or well, confidence something that just comes in its own time? Like puberty or something? or is it this thing that we have to find and nurture in our beings? I wonder.

To help me see, with daylight my guide gone.

Mindful

2008-09-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

I've heard countless times about how our minds are like computers. With the storage system equivalent to a chipmunk in winter, and the processing system built to challenge the dynamics of what the world seems to be. And to that definition I can't deny that I am incredibly awed, and yet hopelessly almost quivering in fear of this entity that's comparable to a powerhouse, that fuels our actions.

However, our minds, or my mind at least, sometimes, refuses to have a delete button. The 'file shredder' and 'recycle bin', just cease to exist. And every still frame taken by the windows to my soul, is captured, and held hostage in the crevices of my mind. From, the texture of that slive of bread that i had when I was 3, or the photo that my eyes snapped, of your hand on hers. All these snippets of my life, reside in their own little spots, in the animated mansion of a house that's of course, more openly known as, my mind.

And sometimes, these artefacts in your personal history museum, just pop up. And like a pop up that doesn't respond on your computer screen, no matter how much you try and close it, it refuses to vanish, and it adheses itself on to your screen. Staring at you, and watching you fall apart, slowly. Before you finally, finally, restart your computer, only for it to pay you another visit in the not too distant future.

And like the Internet ( which we have all, come to need almost as much as air, water and food ), our minds can connect to one another. No, I am not reffering to the mind-reading, telepathy, mumbo-jumbo, crystal ball junk. Its more like how each of our thoughts, when looked into with enough intent, will in fact overlap over each other, and the largest most violent opposing opinions, could have more in common than you know.

Our mind is something that is the most immensely convoluted bundle of topsy-turvy hooha, that could possibly exist. And yet, just like our hearts, we were all given our own. Our specially-constructed, tailor-made, minds. And in due time, and with enough faith and effort, thinking would not hurt as much. I choose to believe so.

Falls

2008-09-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hello world its a song that we're singing, come on let's get happy.

I spent the better part of yesterday on a frozen bed of ice. Yes, me and the rest of the coursemates ( well some of the at least ), spent an afternoon together at the Fuji Ice Palace, in the Jurong East Entertainment Centre. Yes, I was pretty much a first time clutz on the ice, but it got better and soon I was skating at the speed of light.

It felt good to completely exhaust myself, in all aspects. I was so tired that day, but all I wanted to do was to keep skating. I skated for hours and hours, until my legs hurt too much to carry me on for another round around the rink. I was so upset that day,and all I wanted to do was skate. Skate so much that all my emotions would transcend downwards through the blades, cutting, slicing into the ice.

Yes, I wanted to exhaust myself so much, that I could not possibly find the energy anywhere in me, to feel. Be it physically or emotionally.

Why you ask? Its hard to explain. Its just, that some part of you, will want to take a break. And you know what its like, when your naps are just so much better, when you are really sleepy, as compared to when you are so tired, and you can't sleep. Its something like that really, to be crude about it, I was putting myself to sleep on a bed of ice.

And I must say, I woke up to a much brighter morning the next day. Despite the aches all over my body, for the first time, in a long time, it felt so good to have sunshine flooding my room, and the shadow of the tree in my face. The smell of the sun is the first whiff I get, and I know, that I am ready for today.

You can only get up when you fall right, and I guess I justneeded to wear out these feet that carry me enough, to allow me to fall. So that I can finally get up, and keep walking.

Ramadhan

2008-09-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

& so Ramadhan has arrived and its that annual, almost festive, get-together aura that surrounds the Muslim community, that is here to stay for abit. This month, is well, not exactly the best month for a food-lover such as I, but well, somehow it still feels good.

To me, food tastes better in Ramadhan. Be it in the early hours of the morning, where everyone at the table is half asleep, and we are just mindlessly putting food in our mouths, in a race to get back to bed. Or when the sun sets and the whole family surrounds the table, and we all sit down, and enjoy a meal together. A meal, spiced up with a dash of laughing fits in between and sometimes just angsty moodlessness. Whatever the flavour, breaking fast in Ramadhan, always reminds me of family.

The squabbles, and snapping at each other through the day ( especially since there is no food to fill our mouths ), all the anger that resonates outside the void of our minds sometimes. It would all mean, a little less, when we are eating together at the end of along day. It really just, humbles us back down to the fact, that we have a roof over our heads, and food on the table.

To all my Muslim readers, may you have a blessed Ramadhan this year. Enjoy every day of it, and take this gift that God has given you, that you are able to experience Ramadhan this year. Have faith in Him, and thank Him for all that we have been given, material and not. Insyallah, He will give us health, and lengthen our lives so that we will be able to meet with the next Ramadhan as well.

People

2008-08-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Well the long awaited Friday is finally here. Its been a long, rough past few weeks for myself. With the mixtures of emotional incoherency, and actual mental incoherency due to the excessive quality time spent with my books. But its all well, now that the exams are over, finally.

I know I have no updated in quite some time, and I apologise. I guess studies do take their toll on me.

People. Another common word that we use, everyday, all the time. And its all around us, people. There are so many people around us, but it just amazes me how we are so different from each other, and yet, there is always a part of another in us.

Each and every one of us, was made in our own special way. Custom made, limited edition and with in-built quirks and weaknesses. Weaknesses that only make us stronger in who we are. We are all given these cracks and notches for a reason, or else, we would all be perfect, and we would not even need each other. Everyone in the wolrd would be on their own personal quest.

Can you imagine, the world without us depending on each other? No friends, no family. No online mass bitching converastions just for the fun of it. Nobody to hug when you are feeling down. Nobody to study with so you don't daydream. Nobody to sleepover at the beach with. Just nobody, but you.

To me, that'd be well. it would not be much of a life at all. Sure, in the end there is only you. It is your start and your end. But the journey would not be the same without the people on your train of thought.

So you, yes you, all of you reading this. You all mean something important to me. I may not speak to you all the time, I may have not even spoken to you ever. But we are all connected, in some way or another. And I think that the humanistic power in our hearts will far surpass the distance and the ambiguity of far away ties.

Its been a long few weeks, and I guess these eyes are due for a good rest. Thism ind has been functioning far to fervently, but my heart will not stop beating. It will continue its endless rythm, for the ones I love, and The One who has blessed me with the ability to love.

Sunsets and Carcrashes.

2008-08-23T03:44:00.000-07:00

Sunsets mark the end of each day. The beautiful swirl of colour in the sky, and the faint sea breeze against your face before the dense, vast, velvet intense blue purple sky blankets us all, in its ever-calming serenity. But in those few seconds of transition, the sky tells us a story, of all that has happened, and all we have made it through. Sunsets not only mark the end of each day,they remind us, that we have been through another day. Another day that we might have thought we could never make out of. Another day that we might have taken for granted. Twenty-four hours that we have spent cooped up in the house, blinding ourselves from the smallest most brilliant still frames beyond the window pane. And in all the beauty of the sun, slipping back down into its comfort place, out of sight, it gives us an opportunity to see the extravagance of the world around us,that we so casually excluded, in our seemingly endless quest to unravel the secrets of this world. All in a matter of seconds, as the sun says farewell.

The secrets of the world are usually not secrets. These hidden treasures that we run in circles to find, are beneath our feet. So often we come across thoughts that race through the spaces in our minds, things that we think are secrets, and that we don't know. Haven't you thought, that maybe, it could be possible, that we have just not been looking in the right places?

One day, I will bury my feet in the sand, and I will take in the breeze that beckons me closer. I will inhale the air around me, and I will watch the sea like a stage, where the waves dance in in all their emotion. In tears, in smiles, in anger,they will dance, and as raw and truthful as it may seem, it would be the most magnificent performance, one can witness. The skies will tell our stories, and the sea will sing the soundtrack of our lives.

Yes, one day, I'll be there, with someone I trust. And we will not speak a word, we will not have to touch. All we have to do is be there, and we will be grateful. Grateful for us, for each other, and grateful for all that God has ordained us with before our eyes.

Through sunsets and carcrashes, we will be perfectly happy, perfectly sad, perfectly angry, perfectly, alive.

For a friend

2008-08-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks for being there for me, for standing up for me.
You mean more than you know to me.
Takecare of yourself.
I know you are really angry, but calm down okay.
We will do better without people like this in our lives.
We are bigger and better than this.
Love love love.
God has a masterplan.

I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes.
(:

The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

2008-08-19T19:58:00.000-07:00

You got me like a loaded gun.
We both know, that you left me no choice.
So I'm counting my tears
Till I get over you.

We both know, that I'm not over you.

Its been a pretty messed up past few days, or week, I have lost count. But its been emotional turmoil in a not so happy physical battlefield either. & I tell myself that I will hold up, and I will make it through.

But you see, life is not about making it through the storm, but learning to dance in the rain. I don't want to run away from this, I don't want to push everything into a corner and go on with my life. Because like all things shoved into a corner, feelings only get more defensive of themselves, and the next time we look back at that corner, you'd have way too much more than a pile of dust.

I need to go somewhere really far away. Somewhere where I can feel the breeze of the night, and yet i won't shiver from the cold. Somewhere where I don't need to think, and I don't need to hold back. Somewher where I want to feel, and the tears I cry are all but those that stem from the wound in my heart. I need to go to that place, and feel the way I did.

Everytime you walk away,I pretend that I'm okay.

I'm close enough to see that, you're on the other side of the world.
To me.

Spiderman

2008-08-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

Spiderman, I kind of miss you.
Things haven't been exactly wonderful lately.
I guess I just miss the one thing I can be sure of, you.
We haven't spoken in some time,
but I pray you've been well.
I hope that wherever you may be, you are safe.
Takecare of yourself.
I'll never be too far away okay.
& You'll always be here with me, in some way or another.

Yesterdays & Raindrops.

2008-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

This town is colder now, I think its sick of us.
Its time to make a move, I'm shaking off the rust.
Steady hands just take the wheel, every glance is killing me.
Time to make one last appeal, for the life I lead.

My previous post must have made it pretty evident that my emotional state hasn't been exactly equivalent to calm waters lately. Yes I do admit, these gears have not been running that smoothly of late.

But today, after much tears and deliberation with my inner-voice, I managed to talk to myself. A small reminder to myself that God loves me. And he will not give me something he knows I cannot handle. He knows that I can pull through all this, and I should hold on to my faith to give me the strength to live another day. Insyallah.

I am sure there comes a point in everyone's lives, where they just wish, they would die. Just for a little while, just so that they won't feel. This almost twisted longing to reach this place, of emotionless ignorance. And you don't mind forsaking all hapiness just so you would not hurt so much. We all feel that feeling.

And slowly enough, that too shall pass. That micro-millenium you spend drowning in all your sorrow wishing you were dead. It will pass. Because its the strings of empty spaces, that hold you together to the ones you love and the ones who love you, that choose to all pull taut. Slowly, you will in fact realise, that its the moments, those movie-life freeze in time moments that you share with special people, that make feeling worth the pain.

Its time to get up, its time to look up. Its time to wipe the tears and watch the stars. Stop the sniffles and smell the morning coffee. Its the time to stop worrying about the time, and let the seconds tick as you think of the taste of cream puffs and mud pies.

I will find my strength, in split seconds, in special people, and in the higher power that gives me the mere ability to feel anything in the first place. In due time, it will all be better, and we will all grow, to learn and learn, to grow.

2008-08-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations my fellow readers. (: Yes, apologies for the lack of updates, it been a mumbojumbo all over the place kind of week for me here. What with all the presentation and the studies. But well I am here, to update.

Me, I am a mind-map girl. Its how I work. Mind-maps. Give me a word and a mind-map pops up in my head. But one word, that I don't have a mind-map for, is the typical word that we use almost everday for every single little thing that happens in this everyday routine we know as life.

Feelings. What the hell are these things? Seriously, how many times do we use and hear the word "feelings" in a day? " I feel so lazy. " or, " I feel that we should...". What are these things? What are they here for? How do we know feelings, calssify them? Can we even control them?

" I have feelings for you. " And then there is " I like you. " Same difference? Then there is the all-time favourite: " Its just this feeling. "

Can we control feelings? Can you ever stop feeling this certain faint scent of jealousy towards a girl who gets everything you want? Can you stop yourself from feeling sad when you don't have a straw that matches your drink? Can you stop yourself from feeling feelings towards the closest friend you have, just so the two of you don't lose each other?

This post is full of questions, but I seriously have nothing more to say.
Sometimes I wish I had a feelings textbook. A little book that'd make it all make sense. Then again, I wouldn't be able to experience life to the maximum potential if I live from a textbook right? Yeah, it just would'nt feel the same. Yeah, I thought so.

Get Physical.

2008-08-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

Today was the much anticipated performance by Theatre Compass. Directed by the talented Fanny Kee, and the absolutely LOVED Wendy Ng (: & with the help of the lovely Mel for all the blocking and choreography. To the cast of today's performance, excellent job guys ! Love love love. My darling Lisbeth ! We did it girl (: It has been great working with you, you are an excellent partner and it could not have been sweeter babes ! DADP (((: Thank you guys, on behalf of the entire performance crew, for taking the effort to come down and support us! We sincerely hope you had a good time.

Well today on stage, during the performance, under the spotlight this thought just ran through my head. I know, I am just as amazed as you are that remembering all the cues and routines is not enough to occupy my brain completely.

Well, its those split seconds on stage, when you exert yourself and something happens. Something that did not happen in the rehearsals, something that was never planned. Its that moment of instictive improvisation under the heat of the audience, and the ticking of the second, that simply stikes a fire in you. Its the simple things, feel-good things like that.

And when its all through and you stand in front of your audience, and you see the technical crew smiling right back at you, and you hear the simultaneous applause. That's your curtain call, the end. But you know that that fire that was in you, is not doused. Instead it was transfered, into the eyes and the hearts of everyone watching. And you know, deep in you, that you wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

When I got off the stage, and the first thing I heard was, " I wanna join Theatre Compass." Wow, feelings indescribable.

That's how I want my life to feel like. I know I will plan and rehearse and go through all the options in my head. I will freak out and panic at what might unravel itself without prior notice, I will be shaking as await the first call of action. But when I go through every experience, the little things, the sparks that ignite in me in those micro-moments, make it all worthwhile. And at the end of the line, that final cue, I know, I could not have made it through with all those who supported me throughout, even those who didn't. Because everyone, and everything that happened, did so for a reason. Villains and allabies alike, you are all a part of my life. And that final bow, would not be the same without you.

And after I step off the stage, when I am gone and no longer here. I want to know, that something I had done, has positively impacted this round ball of blue we call our home. Yes, its OUR home. And to have the worls come a little bot closer, and move forward together, even in the tiniest of proportions, is amazing.

Oh and to a dear friend of mine :
Thank you so much for the letter and the gift. Its incredibly sweet. You actually remembered all the things I liked, and things we talked about ! ((: I couldn't ask for more, you've been a great friend, eventhough things happened, I believe that we will get through it all together. Haha, will reply soon, and I hope your day went as well as mine. (:

Ordinary miracles, can only be seen

by those who believe in the extraordinary.

Hearts.

2008-08-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have blogged about this previously, but a five minute refresher course would not hurt now, would it?

In all of us, deep in the core of our mind, body and souls, lies a machine. A machine that works twenty-four hours a day, every day of the week. A machine that helps you take your next breath, a machine that allows you to even have a single thought of the one you love, a machine that lights up a fire inside you, to not only walk down the path of life, but to enjoy every single step you take, to embrace every fall you have, and to heal from wounds and not fear to look at the scars.

Our hearts.

All of us tell ourselves and others, how our heart breaks. How it just shatters, and stops working. Or more like how someone shatters your heart. But the thing is, something can only be broken, if it was there to be tampered with in the first place.

God gave us all our own hearts, tailor-made to the people we are. Only we know how to take care of them, only we know which knobs never fail to get loose or rusty, and the limit to which our machine can take, before it over heats and explodes.

& Its our responsibility to take care of our hearts. We are given the wonder-machine, that keeps us alive enough to take the next breath of fresh air, and we so readily hold it out assuming everyone's heart its the same. Assuming that hearts are interchangable, and the one you hold you heart out to knows exactly how to take care of it. And then it ends up broken, battered, cracked.

Husbands & wives, lovers, friends, family. They are not there to take care of our hearts for us. They have their own hearts to take care of, just as much as we do. But these people are here to hold our hearts up, when we forget, or when we aren't strong enough to hold the weight on our own. And vice-versa, of course.

Love your hearts a little bit more, for all that we depend on it for, love it. Love it the way you know is best. And be there to hold their hearts up when they can't do it on their own. Because we all need each other, in one way or another, but the bottomline is, without ourselves, the other cannot reciprocate.

Takecare of your hearts my dear friends and readers, and know that I am always here to hold them up should you ever need me to.

Come into my world, I've got to show you.

Come into my bed, I've got to know you.

Heroes.

2008-07-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

The hero we all deserve, but we don't need right now. Dependancy, equality, desperation for mere survival. No denying the fact, we are all inter-dependant in this life. One hand pulls, the other hand pushes. But sometimes I duess people miss out the "inter" in inter-dependant.

When a hero comes to save the day, we naturally assume that the hero will be back. Simply because, its what heroes do really. Everyone feels that they deserve a hero. For all they have done, for all they are going through, that everyone deserves a guardian angel watching over them.

But think about it, everyone goes through that. Everyone deserves a hero, even heroes themselves. They deserve heroes for being heroes, for sacrificing their lives, for holding all their loved ones on the line, in the name of a better world. By now, you'd probably realise, this line would never stop.

The sad thing is, as much as a hero may be fighting for world betterment and greater good, when a hero disappears, things change. When the hero steps aside, the world, it won't be a pretty place. Everyone would step all over each other, despite alliances, bonds, promises, everything. The world would be chaos, without our heroes.

Ironic isn't it, we have the wonderful people, risking their lives to make the world a better place, and the one thing we do when they are not around, is kill each other. Its not just about the heroes when it comes to saving the world, its about all of us.

What are we saving the world from? Ourselves. Save yourselves from the madness, from the chaos and catastrophe that unfastens itself, when these caped cruisaders aren't around. We don't have to shoot webs, or drive a Lamborghini. All we have to do, is live, not as a person, but as people.

& I worry for what may soon come,

But I fear there is nothing I can do.

I pray I be rooted enough to take the blow,

For we have so much left to live for.

Fall For You.

2008-07-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Memories, and past decisions. I know everything happens for a reason. & I know that all that happens lead up tho what will happen. But I wish there was something I could do, I wish there was some way I could have known, I wish, I would stop wishing.

We often so simply assume how another feels. Our perception of their actions and their words and reactions, can't help but overpower the the ability, or rather the will to ask. And when we assume, we make the stupidest decisions. Decisions, that will walk around for awhile, then come back and tap you on your shoulder later, just to remid you that you made a stupid decision. Our minds are evil that way you see.

And once the decision is made, based on that assumption, when you realise that you made the wrong decision, there really isn't much you can do. Because its the past, and despite everyone wishing they could turn back the wheel of time, they can't.

Because the past happens for a reason. Pain is there for a reason. Scars are there for a reason. They are all there, to remind us, every day of how human we are. & that we are alive, and that pain, and sadness is ust another emotion. That we will all have to go through. Scars make us stronger for that reason as well.

It reminds us, that we have healed from wounds that we thought we couldn't. And it just gives us a bit if a reminder, a bit of a push, to tell us that, this gaping bleeding wound, that seems to hurt too much for us to handle, will heal. It will heal if we let it heal. The strength does not lie in the ability to heal, but most if it actually lies in allowing yourself to heal.

Its like pouring iodine, on a cut almost as deep as the voice that's telling you what a loser you are for getting cut in the first place. Everyone heals from that cut, but the hardest part of the healing, is to watch the iodine drip down onto it, and feel your cut burning, you fell like you could pass out, and then, slowly, the pain is still there. But less severe.

As days go by, the cut tries to close up, and it still hurts, constantly. But as the clock ticks away, and everything around us happens, the pain still comes back, once in awhile. And after all that, soon, the pain will no longer be there. Just a scar left, to remind yourself of all that you had the strength to go through, all that you thought you could not do.

Time heals all, & anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Yes?

Breathe me in,

I'm yours to keep.

On Puppet Strings.

2008-07-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

You don't get the right to scream at anyone when you want for no particular reason.
You don't get to blame everyone for things they did not do.
You don't get to do that.

You don't get to go back on your words.
You don't get to use us against us, and each other.
You don't get to do that.

You don't get to make us join your army, for a battle you initiated.
You don't get to step all over us, when we say no.
You don't get to do that.

Because this is a family.
Not your petty little power struggle that you can't get over.
Its a family, I am losing faith in choosing to believe so.

I am sorry my dear readers, abou this post, I know it may not make much sense. I am just really not in a good mood. Will update soon.

The soundtrack of my summer,

the brightest of all the colours.

Seventeen (:

2008-07-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

& So as I type this, my Seventeenth, is nearing its curtain call. But I must say, it was the best show ever. An excellent cast, flawless storyline. You all just blew me away. Loved, thats what you all are, and thats how you all made me feel.

Thanks, for all the well wishes, and for the good thoughts. Be it from near, or far, it is incredibly appreciated. To all you sweethearts, who actually wished me as midnight struck, and even those who wished me all through the day, it blesses me to know, that I have people like you around. You made my seventeenth a blast I can never forget, so thank you, all of you.

My dearies, Charmaine, Bernie (and Kenny), thank you so very much for those well thought gifts, and the trouble you went through to get them for me. I love the top and the bangle Charmaine ! And the boxers from Bernie & Kenny ! Hahahahas, and I think we ALL love the marshmallows. I love you two ! Having you as friends to go through every school day with me. Us, just keeping together, and holding each other up is already more than I could ask for. (:

Ezzat, Randee & Gail, you three are such such sweethearts. (: Thanks for the toe-socks ! Its the bomb :D And for the top ( I hope I fit ), and the sweeeeetest card with the handphone thingy thingy. (: Love love love. Thanks for always being there for me. & For always putting up with my nonsense Randee, for always listening to me Gail, and for being there no matter what, all the time, for anything Ezzat. You are love love love loved !

Grace ! Your surprise did not backfire at all thos time. It swept me off my feet ! Thank you so much for all the carefully made plans, and the constant surprises, that just kept me smiling through the whole day today. You are so awesome, seriously. And there were extra pineapples on the pizza ! Haha. You made my Six thousand, two hundered and tenth day a very very happy one (: Thank you so so much. Superhero extraordinaire.

DADP/02 ! You are the sex (: Thanks for the wonderful surprise with the cake today. I really didn't expect it, especially since my birthday was on its own (: Hahas, You guys are the ultimate luh, I really really thank all of you for the effort, and the thought, and of course, the cake :D We're all a family, we stick together :D

To the theatre people ! ((: Thank you those who wished me, eventhough you don't know me that well yet. Haha, and to Khairul for going home with me, and helpng me carry my stuff. Nothing beats good company on the long ride home. Haha.

I've learnt alot over the last year. Met a tremendous load of new people. Life is good, life is good.

Encore ?

For All The Times.

2008-07-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

Hey all (: Okay this is gonna be a happy post. Well, as some of you may already know, I celebrated my birthday a few days early with my family. We decided to do it yesterday, since everyone was free.

So we left the house and headed to this Indian Food place (: Haha, me andmy sister got kinda high there, not to mention my aunty just fueling laughter material leaving us gasping for breathe and our funny-bones aching.

After dinner, we headed down to Dempsey Hill's Ben & Jerry for dessert. I had the most much needed, most exuberantly fullfilling scoop of Chocolate Therapy ever imaginable. It was so heavenly, it was orgasmic. The chunks of brownies hidden beneath that rich chocolate ice-cream, swirled and rippled with chocolate fudge in every spoonfull, and perfected with the generous sprinkling of M&Ms that dashed every scoop with the crunch and extra umph that you simply can't get out of your mind fast enough before the next scoop of heaven comes to sweep you off your feet.

We then headed home, where I received my presents. ((:

Pretty pretty necklace from parents, for me to wear daily.
My new phone, Samsung Soul (:
Pretty prettty shoes.
Brown duffel bag
Black handbag.
Grey hoddie top.
White jeans.
Grey top.
Gorgeous green tee.
Purple/black/white kimono top.
Blue tunic top.
Bracelet.
Stationery.
Super cute panda bookmark.
HAND MADE CLAY TAPIR from my dearest baby brother :D
Bangles.
Earrings.
Hot chocolate powder.
Hairclips.
Body shop lip gloss.

Haha, yeah so that's what I got from my family members.
Thank you, I love you all.
It means so much to me that all of you actually came together just to celebrate a day that is important to me, no matter how busy you guys are.

Hayat, you are having your PSLE, and you still took the time to MAKE that tapir for me. Study hard okay, I am always here if you need help, I'll never be to old to eat with you, and you don't have to worry about me ever going anywhere. I am always here.

Abang, thanks for taking the time to get me that gogeous tee ! You always have good taste. I know you are in NS now, and you are really tired over the weekends, so it really means alot to me, that you made the effort to get this for me. Thank you.

And same to you Kak, I know you've got alot on your mind, and alot to study. So thanks, for taking the time for me. It means alot.

And parents, I love you. I really really do. For all you have done for me, for all I put you through, I love you. I will wear this necklace evryday with me, to remind me of home when I am far away, to remind me I am loved when I feel lost, to keep me in the right direction, when I am not sure where to go.

(: Yesterday was a good good day.
Well, I am 2 days away from seventeeeeen :D I don't care if its an insignificant age or that I will be in school the whole day, its still awesome ((:

This Kiss.

2008-07-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

It's the way you love me,

it's a feelin' like this.

It's centrifugal motion,

It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment.

It's 'Ah, unthinkable.'

This kiss, this kiss.

Unsinkable.

This kiss, this kiss.

You can kiss me in the moonlight on a rooftop under the sky.

Oh, you can kiss me with the windows open while the rain comes pouring inside.

Oh, kiss me in sweet slow motion, let's let everything slide.

You've got me floating, you've got me flying.

This kiss, its criminal.

I Would Explode Just To Save Your Life.

2008-07-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be another wishy-washy update, full of words that may not link up to one another, but still mean everything to me. The way words always do. Lately I have been busy. Evident by the laspse of six days since my last entry, I know. Haha. Well yeah, I've had my mind pre-occupied with well, studies. Now now, calm down, I have not metamorphasised into a full-fledged nerd or anything. I've just been well, honestly, just enjoying what I am learning, so very much.

& it was just yesterday actually, after a wonderful time with Ezzat dearie and Matt at Starbucks, that I realised how relevant the things that I learnt are, in relation to the everyday dramas of our lives. In the conversation, Ezzat & I found ourselves reffering back to what we learnt, in school, during our ever-interesting Social Psychology lectures. Its almost like a direct application to our lives.

Now who says school is for chums?

Other than that, I went for Theatre again after a supremely long time of absence. It felt so good to be back there. Haha, its still the same fun, lovable bunch there. We learnt physical theatre, specifically combat. I partenered up with Ezzat, and it was so fun. Haha, but seriously, besides being the ultimate bomb, physical theatre takes incredible amounts of trust among the actors on stage. ( Partially why it was great that I did it with Ezzat ). Trust, that your fellow actor will not hurt you, trust that your fellow actor will be there to catch you.

Trust, something I am still getting used to doing. But it'll come, slowly but surely.
If I stick to it, step by step I can do it. (: So I can't wait to be back there again next Tuesday, despite it being my birthday. Haha.

Oh and to Charmaine and Bernie, CRS was the bomb (: You guys are absolutely awesome.

Oh well, I get that's pretty much it. I told you it'd be a quickie. I shall blog more as the exciting [(egg-citing) -*pokes lee*] weekend arrives and speeds past me like the steel bullet that almost shot me dead.

& I want to watch The Dark Knight.

Let me light up the sky, light it up for you.

Let me tell you why, I would die for you.

The Dreamer's Disease.

2008-07-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

Like an epidemic, emotions surge through us, from one to another right before our eyes, but blinded by the illness itself, we see not the transition of plight. Often a time, we hit each other like a row of dominos, we all get knocked down.

How did it start, how did the first peice fall, igniting the chained reaction where gravity is stronger than the ability to stand tall? Well, an unexpected blow. Over the past few days, my emotions have been running all over the place, mostly south. And today, after a satisfying afternoon nap ( heavily punctuated with fits of cough, and sniffs ), it came to my realisation, that just as someone else's behaviour or emotion affected me, I am affecting others by the way I am feeling now.

& I am pretty sure it applies to all of us. We so often get so caught up in how we feel, how much one person is affecting us, that we forget that there is another person behind us in the line, and they get knocked down too.

I know I have not been myself lately. I have not been the usual nonsense-spewing, crazy-talking, annoying, short, messy-haired girl that all of you have come to know so well. & I am sorry, I know it is affecting you, that I don't make some stupid comment about plastic spoons. But, I realise now, that what I do, and how I feel, does affect others, especially those close to me.

Chanelling my negative emotions in a positive manner, was never really my forte. Yes, I am one of those people who'd just sit and stare into space and not speak to anyone. However, now that I've realised how much it affects those who care, and those who love me, I feel that it is my resposnsibility to mould and filter my negative emotions, into positive energy.

I believe it is possible, and if it is possible, I know with hope, love, heart, (and maybe a little sugar) I will be able to pull through.

I apologise my dear friends for being so self-centered lately, for not turning behind to see the others in the line. & I can only thank you all, for being so supportive all the time, never failing to constantly try and cheer me up, you guys are amazing, all of you. & by that I mean those who I see in school everyday, those who I see once in awhile, and those whom I've never seen and know nothing much about, but still support me and help me through.

I feel loved today.

Well, besides being emotionally under the weather, I am physically pooped too. Yes, I am down with a runny nose and a cough. Nothing serious, so don't worry about me. I hope this week ends soon, I have this strange feeling things are going to get better, starting with my hormones getting back to normal, and ending its one week of legal physical and emotional torture on my poor soul. (:

Bulldozed the life out of me.

I know what you're thinking,

But darling you're not thinking straight.

Be My Escape.

2008-07-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been a whirlwind. & not in the sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of whirlwind. I am really trying to hold up. Hormones are going wayward due to the natural cycle of my one-week of hell. Everything seems to be poiting ina direction which leads to nowhere. And I am simply disappointed.

However, god has blessed me, by answering one of my very very essential prayers this week. & I am so grateful to Him, really. It really lifts the largest burden of my chest, that I could ever imagine. It really has changed my perspective on life. I realise now.

Have you ever thought of a place? A place where, its perfect. Where everything goes as planned, nothing goes wrong, and it all works out. I've been dreaming alot of that place recently. I mean, I know I can;t have eveyrthing as planned, and I cannot have it fullproof all the time. But, when things can be done according to planned, why screw things over for yourself?

I need to find my happy place, especially tonight. Calm down Zie, breathe, breathe. Okay, sorry about the pointless post. I'll be posting over the weekend probably (: It will be a more make-sense post, I promise. Haha.

My sandcastles fall like,

the ashes of ciggarettes.

Fragile, This Way Up.

2008-07-06T03:56:00.000-07:00

The clouds today are just amazingly protective. Well, I was staring up at the sky when I woke up today, and I felt somewhat safe, from the sun, from the heat and discomfort. It wasn't the feeling of absolute paradise, because it did not rain, but it felt, safer and as ironic as it may seem, warmer.

Well, I just put up a new song in my blog, and I must say, the lyrics really got my mind wandering off. We are just breakable girls and boys. Aren't we? If you actually just sit and think, and look at yourself. Throw away the ego, throw away the friends, throw away the family, and scrape it all down to just you. It is pretty possible to die.

Its amazing to me, how simple words, or even things like the clouds, can make us a little stronger, a little less breakable. We often tell ourselves that we can get through it, that we are strong enough, that we believe in better skies tomorrow. But, it somehow gets even more beleivable when someone else says it. Be it someone you know, or someone you don't. When someone comes up to you and says " Hey, I hope you have a good day ahead.", or " Hey, don't worry, you'll get through this." It inevitably changes things, for me at least.

I don't know if its this sub-concious obligation to live up to their beliefs in me having a better life for myself. Or its simply a little miracle drug, and influence of sorts on my mindset. To find the better things that day, to believe in my strength and have faith in myself. Even if it is just for that matter of hours. But nonetheless, it really changes my direction at times, positively of course.

Don't get me wrong though, its not that I am such an impressionable twit that I need everyone to cheer me on for every step I take, but I guess, this support, is what really makes me, not so breakable.

I like days like these, days where I feel safe. (:

This week is gonna be a busy one for me :\ Heyho to early mornings and late nights, with chocolate and calories for company. Could I ask for more ? (:

Just waiting for proof that

there's sunsets and silhouette dreams.

Red lights On Rainy Mondays.

2008-07-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hello all, this is just a really short post, to announce the necessary stuff [:

Firstly, I really wanna thank you taggers for being so supportive, it really means alot to me, that you are still so readily giving me advice, and helping me through eventhough you may not know me personally. I really really appreaciate it.

And next, to my dearies at school, who are the ultimate lecture buddies and food junkies. (: Thanks for making my days and just being there for good much-needed company. Not forgetting my wonderful friends who text me once in awhile, through out the day, keeping me smiling. (:

So well, since Grace, requested a 17th birthday wishlist from me, I will oblige.
Here goes ! :
1. Super nice hoodie (:
2. White cap
3. More pretty tops, haha.
4. Bangles schmangles.
5. Pretty pumps.
6. A new wallet that is not so big. Haha.
7. Hugs & Love.

Haha, I think that more than just suffices your curiosity. (: Well, no pressure, I mean, I really am not expecting anything. I am just thankful to have you guys as my friends, and that I'd be turning seventeeen soon ! (:

Well, I guess that is pretty much it for now. I will post up a real update soon. So keep reading for more updates (: Oh yeah, and the Welfare Comm for CASS, we need to get on track for Talentime ! Don't worry it will be a success, hopefully. :\

Now, that, that was a happy post ~

Bid me adieu, and take your leave.

I thank you, for what you've shown me.

Out of bounds.

2008-07-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

Life has been great lately! Now, that was an impactful opening. But yes, as all impactful openings come, they never really live up to themselves. Simple example, a concert, " Are you ready for this ?! " & two seconds later, some wimpy guy in a black tee shirt sings a terrible rendition of a song you once loved. Bitter, almost hilariously ironic, truth.

I don't think I can emphasise more that what I have, on the importance of the small miracles,a nd the simple pleasures in life. More than that, I somehow feel that, one's strength and independence, not only lies in the things he does or says, but also in his own personal integrity, and repect for another's personal integrity.

It is actually not an easy thing to do sometimes, to respect another's personal space. Because it is only natural to assume, that eveyone has the same vicinity of personal space. Be it psychological space, or even physical space. However, I think, before we do or say something, that could potentially challenge the other person's personal space, we should reconsider. Because even the lengthiest and strongest of relationships, may be severed, due to the one-time invasion of the other party's privacy.

Trust has always been a terribly huge issue for me. & I do admit, that sometimes, it gets in the way. But I feel that, trust does take time to foster, and depending on the individual, the time taken will vary. Also, each person's defenition of trust, is different. So, in my opinion, trust should be an issue that is left to be dealt with by the individual.

Well, that was pretty much what I have been reflecting on recently. Other than that, nothing much happened. We did attend a workshop, organised by our lecturers, for us DADP students. It was with the aim of helping us cope with ourselves better, as well as to be able to experiance first hand and Applied Drama workshop.

I think it has definitely met its objectives on my part, because I was astounded at the flow and the dynamics of the whole workshop. I think its really quite admirable, to be able to organise something like that so efficiently. It really inspired me. Also, the content of the workshop, was something that really hit me, because it sounded too close to home. I was getting very uncomfortable at first because I felt that, I was being threatened, that I was being poked at to reveal something about myself, to people that I do not trust. But as the workshop went on, I realised that there is no threat, there is no danger, and that, I must look my fear in the eye to face it completely. It will take time, but, I am glad that I started doing so, in the workshop, where I know it is a safe space.

Today, was our CASS Club AGM. Despite the small size of the school, I think we managed to pull it off pretty well. I think the leaders of the various commitees managed to display themselves well today, and that it was pretty much, a job well done for all the effort put in. (:

Well, I hope you readers enjoyed this post, will try to update within shorter intervals yeah. Sorry for the speed, or rather lack of it in updating, I have been pretty tied up with school. But nonetheless, no worries dearies, I won't abandon my blog or my readers. (: Thanks for the compliments yea, I really appreaciate it. (:

If you stare at the water long enough,

You'd think you can walk on it.

Plastic Politics & Twiddling Thumbs

2008-06-27T04:28:00.000-07:00

Well here I am again, for it is due time for an update. (: yes, all your eager beavers are just itching to know what is going on with me for like the past week or so? Hahaha, as expected, an extra long train of thought was formed, and it was lightly ( okay, understatement ), punctuated with uncontrolable laughter from myself, at none other then, myself.

Right, so the past week or so, I can probably summarise it into one word : "relationships". We all have relationships, with each other. Be it a friend, teacher, coursemate, sibling, lover, or maybe just someone special that brightens up your day.& we try so fervently to uphold these relations, because they mean alot to us.

But just as everything has its time, it set me thinking if even the strongest of relations, will meet their adieu. I mean, over the weak, I have fostered new relationships, I met a new friend (: as well, as upheld my already existing relationships. I had a laughter and conversation with my best friend over five-layered chocolate cake & I had silly lecture time beside my good friend, whom I missed very much over the holidays.

But just as all is well and good, like I said, relationships may reach a halt one day. & all I can say is, I really hope that doesn't happen with us, my good friend. I don't knwo exactly what is going on, but, I told you once that I am your friend, and I am telling you again that I am. Once again, I really hope you understand why I did not sit beside you in lecture today. Takecare.

On to my next slice of my life, I have finally gotten some of my grades for Term 1's assesments. Well, I am not sure if I shoudl be happy or sad, but I guess, I am just thankful that I did not totally botch them both. I was graded a 'B' in both my Creative Communication and Critical Reasoning Skills modules. I guess its a start, well I am working for an 'A' for the next Creative Communication assesment on press release.

School life has been a pretty big part of my life lately too. I find myself actually doing work as a group after a long while, & it feels good, because I love my group of lovelies in class (: Hey you guys, don't care about certain people okay, who cares how political it gets, we have each other and that is for sure, so no worries. They can say/do what they want, we know where we stand, unlike them.

Not naming names, so don't suffer from delusion of grandeur and think I am talking about you.

Right, now that that spate of self-defense has ended, I feel its time for me to conclude too. It has been a great past week, and I am looking forward to the next. Relationships, are commitments, no matter who they are with. So to my friends, and my new friend (: you are very much cared about, and you will always have a friend in me.

Late nights, and early mornings.

Yesterday yesterday, I thought you'd flown away.

Imposter.

2008-06-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

It would be greatly appreciated, if none of you readers (who I hold deep respect for as other human beings) pretend to be me, and use my name as and when you wish. It is extremely irresponsible, and immature of you. If you do not like me, or you have a problem with me, don't read my blog just to aggravate yourself, its not very smart, and next, be an adult, act your age and talk to me about it. Because honestly, tagging on some random person's blog under my name, for your form of twisted entertainment, is just shallow. I am not pin-pointing anyone, because I myself have no idea who would be the great smartass who would do this. All I am asking is you kindly, clean up your act. Thank you.

And of course, to the bloggers who have been conned into thinking that I have spammed your tagboard, do accept my deepest apologies.

They either wanna be with me,

or be me.

Little Wonders.

2008-06-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today was rather relaxing, I took some time off from the insanity of schoolwork and social hooha. It was one of those days, where time moves quickly, and yet, you feel like the world is spinning at a leisurely enough pace for you to take a breath of fresh air, or get a good afternooon nap.

Speaking of which, my morning was spent doing nothing important, just bloghopping, and eating. I then indulged in the most excruciatingly satisfying nap, in the heat of the afternoon. I have come to realise, that its those naps that feel the best. Unexpected naps. I had just finished prayers, and then I lay down on my bed, and just lulled of into one of the most fantastic, and not to mention, long naps. I didn't have a dream, I wasn't interrupted, I was just, rested.

After which, the family headed down to Secret Recipe at Siglap for dinner. It was really good. Nothing beats great food after a great nap. We took our time, and ate well. Then we headed to Coffee Club for dessert and drinks. I shared a Mud Pie with my brother, and had Chocolate Opera cake. Oh the Mud Pie, is simply heavenly. It was two of my absolute all-time favourites combined as one. I hefty slab of ice-cream, Cappucino on top and Chocolate ate the bottom, draped everywhere with divine chocolate sauce, and topped with Oreo, generously sprinkled like snoflawkes on the mountain of goodness.

Then we headed back home, and I've been texting a new-found friend. Haha, relax okay. Must have faith in better things. Good to know you feel a little better today, maybe you need a little more chocolate in your diet ! Haha. Takecare okay.

Well, today was a rather nice day. It was not perfect, but it was more right than wrong, I suppose. & I just haven't been having very many of those kind of days lately.

School term will be resuming soon, and I can pretty much say that I am at least, a little excited. Hello chocolate doughnuts, cheese sausages, and barley! Seriously though, I am looking forward to getting back to class, partially at least. I miss you guys ! (:

I believe in small things. & being able to believe in these little things, it makes life a lot less painful. I am not saying it does not hurt at all, or its an extremely easy task to make myself feel better. But its those sudden smiles, and heaves of relief, that help me get through my days sometimes. So thanks for the little wonders in life (:

Close enough to see,

that you're on the other side of the world, to me.

Charmed.

2008-06-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

I absolutely adore the song playing.

Hold On Now, To Anything.

2008-06-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, life has been spiralling. Its a kaleidoscope of emotions, designed to take your breath away, in all the possible ways. & by that, I mean, in both the good and the bad. Every second is like a gunshot in a battle field, it triggers off more gunshots. What happens, when a blank shot is fired? It does not trigger anything anymore, and it just, hurts. Blatant and blunt, but that's all it really does, it just hurts, doesn't it?

Today, some quality time was spent with my best friend. Its definitely a warm-tummy-feeling. It felt good to laugh, and even better to sing. Its the feeling you get when you take the first sip of hot chocolate from Starbucks.

I came home, and prayed. I think through all the muck and jumbled up nonsense, God has been guiding me through, slowly. It may not always be as clear as I would want it to be, but I am thankful for what I have been blessed with, for without all that I've been given, I don't think i would've even made it, to wherever I am today. God is my superhero, and to Him I am eternally grateful. Alhamdullilah. I have faith that He will continue to help me get through this, no matter how much it hurts, I know I can find sanctuary, security, love and safety in Him, and that I will come out of every trial that i face, a better person, Insyaallah.

Oh well, it looks as if I have been smacked by a cyberspace game, which I am supposed to continue in the name of sportsmanship. Right. Silly, the things we do.

Rules & Regulations of this quiz is :

a) people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

b) tag 6 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse.These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

tagged by: liy (:

q: if your lover betrayed you, what would be your reaction?
a: I would find out why, and forgive, and try to fix it.

q:if you had three wishes, what would they be?
a: Firstly, I would like to be given a voice, and I would sing for the mute. Next, I would like to be given a breath, and I would use the oxygen, to light a fire for the cold. Lastly, I would like a heart, and I would love for the jaded.

q:did you ever think to yourself and wonder if you're really real?
a: I indeed do.

q:are you afraid of what lies ahead of you?
a: At times, I do fear it.

q:would you change yourself for the person you love?
a: It would depend on what I would change in to, and what changes that changes would spark off as well.

q:which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
a: Loving someone.

q:how long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
a: As long as I am allowed to.

q:if the person you secretly liked is attached, what would you do?
a: Be happy that he is happy, its the least I could do.

q:is there anything that made you unhappy these days?
a: Incredibly so, however, faith and little things will pull me through.

q:do you get butterflies in your stomach whenever you're around the guy/girl you like?
a: No, I actually do not.

q:have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
a: Yes, but if I am unable to get him out of my head, there has to be a reason he is in there, no?

q:who are currently the most important people to you?
a: Spiderman, Imran, Dan, The CG, My loves in school.

q:have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't?
a: Yes, but the other always comes first.

q:what's the ideal perfect relationship to you?
a: Love, Trust, Honesty, Chances, and Mistakes.

q:are you happy with your life?
a: It is enough.

q:would you give all in a relationship?
a: Not into a relationship, but into a marriage.

q:if you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick? the lousiest one? OR the better one?
a: I refuse to answer this nonsensical question.

q:what type of boy do you like?
a: The boy who inspires me.

q:do you often wish there was something you can change?
a: If the world hurt a little less, it would be great.

q:what do you notice when you first meet a guy?
a: The way he looks at me.

Oh and lastly, Samsung Soul or Nokia 6500.
Decision has to be made by this Friday.
Any opinion, would be greatly appreciated.

Slowdance with me now,

before the clock strikes twelve.

Superhero Surrender.

2008-06-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

when your whole world explodes into nothing at all in front of your very eyes.
you can't help but be uncertain.
you cannot help but not know anything anymore.
you cannot tell yourself to stop crying, because tomorrow will be a new day, cause you don't even know that anymore.
when that one strand of hope, that you've been dangling from, is cut.
and you want to erase every reminder, every scribble, on every scrap of paper, in every corner of your existance.
just so it wouldn't hurt so much.

when you feel, like you are dead, and you are not supposed to feel, but it hurts.
when you stop making sense.
when you can't sleep, because you have no more dreams.

broken, completely.
i can't fix myself anymore.

Sunkissed Love.

2008-06-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

Warm greetings (: I am back from CASS Camp.
I must say it was really fun, for some of us at least.
We started the day with Icebreaker games.
and then we just continued to run and scream and play our hearts out at sunny sunny Sentosa.

I suppose it was really a very much needed break from the real world.
Its pretty obvious how hyperactive i can get sometimes.
Thus, the camp was not a quiet one.

I made a few new friends from DMC.
One is of course Matt, my twin !
Haha, we are so cool la ~
One day i will go get that umbrella from Esprit kayyy.

Oh and thanks for the phone call Azli.
(: Don't worry i am home and alive.

Other conclusions drawn :
- Superheroes, will always and forever be superheroes.
- Ezzat sleeeeeps sooooo much.
- Love is all around, in front of you, behind you, and those hard-to-reach places as well.

Imran,
I miss you.

Try, don't try.

Noodle, don't noodle.

Be My Mirror, My Sword & Shield.

2008-06-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best things in life happen without a reason.

Help me get through this.
Because i just really don't know how.
anything, anything.

Something is always better, than nothing.

'casue we both know.

i know we do.

For Spiderman.

2008-06-09T08:44:00.001-07:00

Well, i have exactly 16 minutes from now, before today ends.
and i have been trying to figure out the words to type since i got home.

Happy Birthday Spiderman.
i guess we aren't as close as we used to be huh, no more stupid games with the display pics on msn, and no more m&ms. but i want you to know, that you have made me who i am today. you've thought me alot, and you've always been there for me, stood up for me, helped me through everything. you've always believed in me, and for that i am eternally grateful. I am happy for you now, that you've found your hapiness in her. its good to see you loving and being loved. thank you, for never leaving, no matter how far away we are. You've always been that superhero to me, and that would never change, no matter who walks in and out of my life, if there is one thing that will always, and forever stay the same, it is you.

On your 18th birthday, i continue to pray for your safety, health and hapiness, as i always have. be thankful for all that you have been blessed with, the small, things and the big things too. and always have faith, in yourself, as well as in Allah. be the spiderman, i know you are, and never change.

you are a big boy now, and you wouldn't want a little girl like me bugging you adn worrying about you anymore right? haha. well, know that this little girl will always always be there for you. no matter how far, or how old we are. okay?

Takecare of yourself Spiderman.
Happy Eighteenth Birthday.
<3

My Ecstacy.

2008-06-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

Blink 182, Fall Out Boy & Plus 44.

is the

ULTIMATE.

hello, junk food.

Correct Me, If I Am Wrong.

2008-06-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

when i am sad,
i tell myself to hold on.
but now i question,
what am i holding on to?

i am in need of a sign.
i am in need of reassurance.
i am in need of all the things, i thought i have with me.
i think i am losing everything, and everyone, that ever mattered anything to me.

somebody, just please, please prove me wrong.
tell me that my whole world is not crashing down on me.
tell me that everything i stood up for, is there for me to hold on to.

because ia m still holding on to it.
still holding on, for what i stand up for.
for the people who matter.
the people who i can't lose.

please, prove me wrong.
i am begging.

if i built a wall,

a hundred feet tall,

would that keep you in ?

The Lovers.

2008-06-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

i love, LOVE, the people.

thanks for chilling with me Ethan.
Ethan, take time, to make a decision.
okay?
breathe in and take time.
remember what i told you okay.
takecare of yourself.

EZZAT LOVE.
thanks SO SO much.
you are so loved, so very very loved.
i really really needed it.
it was so sweeeeet, awwwh.
really, thank you.
not just for the chocolates you left in my bag, but also for just being there.
and for lugging your lappy all the way to school just for me.
so i could get my essay cut down to the word count.
i know i can be such an annoying bitch sometimes with my utter bullshit.
i am so sorry.
you know you are loved.(:
i will see you soon okay.
takecare of yourself. <3

and Charmaine dear,

i know you are having alot of trouble lately.

its okay, breathe. take things one at a time okay.

I know it is not easy, i know it gets hard.

Trust me, my life is full of shit, all the time.

But know who your friends are, who you can trust.

We are all here for you sweets.

Just a phone call, a text message away.

i will see you soon.

takecare okay love.

and to an old friend,

it blesses me that we are starting this friendship again.

and trying to fix the past.

its nice hearing from you again.

you know who you are.

dan, thanks for the phone call this morning.

it meant alot to me.

eventhough we didn't even talk about anything important.

but its those phone calls that i miss the most ((:

imran. (((:

hey there sunshine.

i miss you.

read those 5 pages okay.

takecare of yourself.

don't disappear okay.

remember, its always. <3<3

The Runaway.

2008-06-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

I know i usually never post long entries.
but its 12.49 am, i am on the verge of tears, and i am listening to Deathcab For Cutie on repeat.
forgive me.

I have so many thoughts in my head right now.
i think i am so afraid.
i think i cannot breathe.
i think i need coffee, but i know it will not help.

i went out with my dearest CG a few days back. i miss them like i was going to die tomorrow. i miss them so much. i miss recess, i miss good things, i miss them. i miss being okay, and i miss talking about nothing, and i miss being okay. i miss it so much. for those three hours or less, i was okay, i was alive and okay.

i feel like i am falling apart, into nothing. and i am being held together by Resarch Papers and all else that has to do with school. I need to be sure of something, anything. i am so uncertain, so afraid, so very very speechless.

maybe it is the cumulative effect on all around me. How i see groups of friends breaking apart, everyday.couples breaking up. old flames walking by. new ones flaring up. Call me a cynic, but i can't help but feel that it would all end in tragedy. we will all end up as old, bitter people, who have nothing to their name, but their occcupation.

somebody, prove me wrong.
i am begging.

my heart is breaking, i can feel it. it feels like the world is stopping. it feels like i can't see anything. it feels like a dream. it feels, like i don't want to feel anymore. i tell myself i need a good cry, but i know not what i am crying for.

i cannot do this, i cannot. i am not strong enough, to sit through this,whatever this is anymore.
this superhero feels like she is not so sure.
this superhero is so afraid right now.
because she has no idea what she is afraid of.

this superhero needs a superhero.

afraid of breaking? afraid of losing? afraid of hoping?
afraid of being afraid?
maybe its all of the above.

and i have no idea what to do.
i tell myself to stay together, to hold up. but i can feel my heart breaking.
and i am so afraid to fall apart.
staying together, doesn't seem very smart either.

i am nothing to you, once you are done with me.
not a friend, not an acquaintence, not even a stranger.
i falter, and hit the breaks.
and you walk past me, like you didn't see a thing.
i do not exist, i am invisible, it may not be a bad thing.

i do not know if i am anything to anyone.
i do not know if i belong anywhere.
and i aske myself what i am,
i stop, and i run.

i need to be my superhero.
i am so afraid.
i want to get out of this.
of this vice that i am trapped in, this place where i cannot breathe.
this place where i cannot feel, and yet feel too much.
this place, that scares me.

i miss feeling okay.
i miss knowing something.
i miss not falling apart.

i'd do anything, for anything.

what's wrong?
nothing.

yes, nothing, has never felt so wrong.

fear is the heart of love.

break me, before i stop bending.

Hands Down

2008-05-31T21:16:00.000-07:00

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,you share with me.
This night is wild,so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,from self control.
Your legs are smooth,as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,to break or bury,or wear as jewelery,which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.

The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,that you meant it,
that you meant it,and I knew,
that you meant it,that you meant it.

Hands Down, by Dashboard Confessional

Sunshine.

2008-05-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

IMRAN.

good morning sunshine (:
i hope you had a good time today, it was simple, but i had a great time. thank you, for taking the time to spend your eighteenth birthday with me, it is greatly appreciated (: i hope the brownies taste okay too! in those five pages that i gave you, i want you to know, that it was made with love, that will not dimmer, not even for awhile. keep those pages close to you, in case this superhero can't walk fast enough, and stil hasn't plucked up the courage to fly, read them when you are happy, when you are sad, or when you just need a little colour in your day. since i first got to know you, i have seen you grow, from a person who wouldn't tell anyone his fears, to a person who is facing his fears. i am proud of you. so very very proud of you. know that every battle life throws at you, will make you a better person. not stronger, not bigger, but better. and with every battle, comes an army. i am your army. i am never too far away, never. i pray you get all the love you deserve, every last drop of it. and more so, i pray you have the courage to let yourself be loved, because love is after all, a two-way mechanism. and one can only love another, if the other allows one to. may you always have light, and guidance, in whatever you do. make the right choices, and learn from the wrong ones. never lose sight, of those who matter, and never lose faith, in yourself, and those who love you. live your dreams, and do not be afraid to smile at the little things, like travelators (: because little things are the most important things of all. have a very very happy eighteenth birthday, and the whole year ahead till the nineteenth one (: enjoy yourself, live every moment, hold on to those who will never let you go, and never be afraid to love. love yourself, love others, and let others love you too. you have always been, is still, and will always be, an inspiration to me, and that is more than anyone could ever ask for. so thank you once again, for being you.

all my love,
Moonlight

Flashback Syndrome.

2008-05-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

i know i usually leave my updates to important happenings in my life, or simply because i feel guilty for neglecting the dear bloggie here, but i wanna blog about today.

today was pretty interesting, i met a few people today, who i haven't met in awhile.
first i met Bari, who was on the way home from camp.
i must admit, it was quite nice to see him after moons of not seeing him.

then later at night, much much later.
my family went to pop by swensens for ice-cream.
and i met Azli (:
haha, yes azli, it was really nice seeing him.
nice to know he is doing good, and that he's back to playing soccer ((:
text me soon yeah :D

oh and Jalil called & texted me today.
he said he needed to return my o level cert to me.
and to tell me that he is super excited about wearing his uniform on wednesday.
haha.
(:

so well, besides that, i am dying of a supremely high fever.
and a flu.
i hope hope hope that i get better by wednesday.
i have voice assesment, and i really really do not want to screw that one up.

imran :
thursday please?

the cg :
omfg FRIDAY.

dan :
takecare, all the best for your tests okay.
don't get too stressed out alright.
i am always here, if you let me be here. (:

okay, i am off now loves (:
pray for me, to get me through assesments this week !

lets sit under the stars tonight.

because for tonight, let us be everything.

Freedom Said Hello.

2008-05-24T01:02:00.000-07:00

i am officialy single.

Paper Aeroplanes For You.

2008-05-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

Is it alright, if i could think you are amazing?

its the little things you say.

those in-between moments.

that take my breath away.

Is it okay, if i could think you are invisible?

the way you are never beside me.

but i am never without you.

like hearts on a string.

Is it enough, if i could never think, of enough words?

to describe what i felt, what i feel, and the stuff in between.

all the time in the world, i am handing you with wide-eyes.

because you are the sun.

the sunshine in my life.

i'll see you in the sky.

i'll be brave and fly up.

Froot Loops & Such.

2008-05-18T02:30:00.000-07:00

hello again sweeties (:

i'm swishing aside some time to update, before i go back to hiding behind my fortress of assignments to complete.
yes, thats right, its not all fun and games here in poly.
well, the whole of DADP, is getting a little but stressed with all the work and assesments during these few weeks before the much anticipated term break ((:

my life has been well, pretty much non-existant lately.
no more playing pool and slacking at moberly.
more like mugging with Ezzat at T16. haha.

i did have my first Theatre session though, that i mentioned in one of my previous posts.
it was really really fun.
we learnt how to incorporate animals into our acting.
and we also learn how to mime.
it was really very eye-opening, i have a true respect for mimes around the world now.
its an amazing form of art (:

i guess that is pretty much it la.
i'm going out with the three most awesomest girls in the universe on Friday.
(: absolutely can't wait.
love love <3

to imran:
thanks so much sunshine, for talking to me that day. you really really made my day. we are two very special people (:

the sound of all the places we could go.

let me take you away.

Funny Little Friend Of Mine.

2008-05-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

DAN.
i know this is belated, but it means so much to me, that you spent your birthday with me.
i know it wasn't a very fireworks and shooting stars thing, but it was special, cause it was me and you. (: i hope you've grown in the last year, and you've learnt lessons that make you a better person. and i pray that you find your happiness, no matter where it may lie. you know, that i will always be in you, no matter how far away we are. The next few years are going to be hard, with you away and all that. but we'll get through it, like we get through everything. I will always be here, no matter who else is in my life, i will always be here. remember the things and the people that matter dan, as you grow older. i hope you had a great 18th birthday, may you be blessed with the little good things, like red m&ms and the ability to smile, and imaginary houses in the sky. becasue we both know, how much the little things matter. <3 align="right">look at all the years we've been through,

we'll have so much more to come.

One Hand to Clap.

2008-05-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

todays was definitely not a good day.
in fact, to be perfectly honest, i was struggling to just remind myself to breathe.
it was just one of those days, when you wake up, and you just know, that its shitty.

i had this little thing with him.
just a small misunderstanding, that came at the worst possible time.
but things are alright now.
so thats good.

due to my incredibly emotionally-wrecked state, especially after Theatre today, during the phone call, my dearest lovelies Ezzat and Ethan, were just being so caring.
Thanks so so very much for sending me back to yishun dears.
it is such a long long way from Kembangan, i really really appreciate it.

and thanks for talking me through it Ethan, and for the hugs too.
it really helped to have you two there, just being there.
you two are absolutely loved, with all my heart (:

i need sleep.

goodbye.

Midnight Rendezvous.

2008-05-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

big big hello to all (:
i can't help but feel the slightest bit of guilt for neglecting my dear blog here.
so i decided that it was due time for an update.

school has been great, as usual.
its really settling down now.
i think we are all growing out of the party stage, and sinking into our seats now.
which i feel is most definitely a good thing.
at least we are a little more solid and grounded in the studies area now.

all of us at SP have chosen our CCAs, after the CCADrive`08.
I am in Theatre Compass, and the lovable CASS Club.

besides school, i think i have been pretty much coping with everything.

i miss the CG terribly.
text me as soon as you guys are done with your umm, Mid-Years eh? or is it Common Tests?
i have no idea, what the normal world schedule is like anymore.
then we can go out. (:

oh and i think there might be a sick bug around !
again, yes i know.
but this time its the fever sick bug.
my little brother just got better.
and so did honey.
so yes, boost up your immune systems people.

get better fast dearest (:
i hope the little note thing helped.
haha.

& you are just like the sea at 2 am.

and the stars when the sky looks purple.

magic (:

2008-04-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

for all those who went to Lollipop, especially the DNS fellas (: i am so sorry i was not there.
i heard it was kinda crappy though, which is why we did not wanna go, haha but i am sure you guys had a good time after right?

i had a blast this weekend (:
it was amazing.
thank you~

lets play the two words game.
sandy feet.
purple skies.
ice dive.
hot chocolate.
instant noodles.
little miss.
blows kisses.
long walks.
faraway ships.
area F.
north star.
tranquility guy.
gangsta chic.
late-night high.
early overdose.
penny savers.
sun kissed.
bus rides.
funny hair.
mel gibson.
twenty three.
high tide.
swimming pool.
the splits.
wrinkly fingers.
trust you.
never fall.
love notes.
perfect situation.

ok, i give up, we'll play one word now.
us.

i lay awake and watch you sleep.

do you believe in magic?

2008-04-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

school has been amazing.
i am completely in love with the subjects that i am learning.
and of course, the darlingest class in the world, DADP/02 (:

and of course, the fellas, whom i simply adore (:
the cutest buch of sweethearts ever. haha.
you guys better be at Lollipop this friday kay !
then we dance dance together ~

i miss you CG.
I fucking miss you idiots like the world was gonna end tomorrow.
i FUCKING miss you three.
INSANELY.

dan.
we NEED 'me and you' time.
you KNOW we do.
we need secret recipe cake, bubble tea, and stoning.
its what we were born to do.
or so i think.
(: you are loved.

imran.
i miss you.

you,
seeeyou tomorrroowwwww ! :D
for heaven's sake please wake up on time.
i can't wake you up cause my class starts at 10.
and reply my texts you monkey.
((:

a class of our own.

we are The Cool.

2008-04-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

alright, you avid readers of my blog know me right, so you should know that i don't really adress personal issues here on my blog.
firstly because i respect someone's privacy, as well as i do not see the point, in rambling on and on about how bitchy someone is to the whole world wide web.
its just not something i enjoy doing.

so this is for pure communication purposes, in case you happen to stalk me, hunt for my contact info and start to read my blog.

SERIOUSLY, leave him alone. think about where you stand right now. move on la, for your own sake, for his sake too. you are not getting any closer to him, he is not your property. the sooner you learn to accept that, and deal with it, the easier its gonna be for all of us ok. watch what you say to me, you wanna be a bitch to me, i will be bitch to you. i started speaking to you nicely, but you were being rude to me. i won't bother to find you, hunt you down, whatever,really, i have better things to do. but if you mess with me, you are messing with a whole chain of people, and honestly, you don't stand a chance. so please, for the betterment of the world, leave him alone, leave me alone, leave us alone. thank you.

the hibernation club.

2008-04-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

hey all.

just a speedy-doo-dah update about my life right now.

which pretty much kicks ass uh.

acedemic-wise.

i am really really immersing myself into the modules.

i find it so darn interesting.

and i am exploring myself, as well as the situations and issues that we as a whole face,

from different points of view, and i must really say that it is an eye-opener.

the style of learning in poly, is very much much more flexible.

i would not used the word "relaxed" in the context because,

firstly, that is a subjective term in correspondence to one's interpretation.

and secondly, to me, it isn't a very accurate adjective to describe our learning style. we have so much energy, but we get to use it in a non-conformant manner, to minimise boundaries, and to allow room for curiosity and exposure.

& to me, that is the most suitable way of learning.

so you can probably tell, i am very happy.

social-life wise.

i have been doing great.

been pretty quiet around class lately, not sure why.

i think i haven't really found my class buddy/clique.

but i am sure it'll come, right?

Been spending most of my after school time with the fellas.

Just hanging around, at the all-time favourite Foodcourt 3, Moberly, etc etc.

Kinda tiring hah, to walk all the way to T1. ( pokes you !)

healthwise.

my whole class is geting the flu.

i am not excluded.

to my cg , to dan :

i miss you all, LOADS and LOADS.

to imran :

so incredibly sorry about today, please reply my texts ok. someday, i promise.

to jiten :

haha, welcome to SP ((: and don't worry about the course and the classmates bro, trust me, you'll do fine. anything i'm here ! see you tomorrow (:

the open rooftops, and musical dreams.

the play fights and silly little games.

2008-04-13T01:11:00.001-07:00

Alright world, there is a perfect explanation from my dissappearence from the cyberworld okay. You can all calm down now, i am back from Freshman Orientation Weekend Activity ( FOWA! ) , organised by the ever wonderful SPSU ((:

So it was a basic 2 Day 1 Night camp. Which was pretty much awesome, just like everything else i blog about. haha.

First Day :
Played camp games outside Foodcourt 5, and was separated into our groups, mine was Vampiro ! haha, the lousdest of the loudest, but we get quite emo sometimes too, lead by of course the Wiseman and Wiselady, Khai and Evelyn. Played silly camp games and i had to do stupid forfeits, haha, had to dance in fron t of everyone. So embrassing ! thank god the DJ threw out nice beats. (:

Then we bunked in, and packed out for Sentosa, to do the Amazing Race SP Edition ! Haha, all i can say is a whooooole lot of running and getting dirty in the sea and sand. But it really teaches us valuable lessons.

After the Amazing Race, we headed back to SP campus, and had our dinner (: and shortly after, went back to the bunks to put on our dirty-able unwanted clothing and shoes. We then headed down to play the dirty and muddy blondfold games, however, only the guys got muddy, the girls just got wet. haha. It wasn't as dirty as Sentosa la, for Vampiro at least.

After playing that game, we headed back to the bunk to gather our stuff to bathe, and we headed to washup area. We had about 15 mins, to clean up and wear clean and dry clothes.

Day Two :

By now it is already past midnight, which would make it Day Two of FOWA! haha, we then headed down to some creepy place for supper, of Milo and biscuits. Vampiro had a biscuit eating contest, idea provided by me, of course. haha. and apparently Mason kept winning. (:

After awhile we had our nightwalk, and the crazy Camp Ics know how afraid i am and they kept picking on me ! :( But my wonderful team helped me through eventhoughi was in shambles while crossing the Red Bridge luh. Thanks you guys (:

By the time we are done with all that, it is already 5 plus, and maybe even close to 6 in the morning, so then we headed back to our bunks for sleep, till 9am.

Morning activities were basic, and normal, breakfast, debriefing etc. except for the stupid Taboo game. haha. Tekan us some more ! haha. ((:

After that, watched the photo slideshow at Moberly, then got out camp tees and valuables back, along with picture taking (: before breaking camp at exactly 1.25 pm.

FOWA Campers, you guys were awsome ((:

let me leave you reader's with a sonderful camp song (: haha, ( i know its cheesy okay ).

you are my sunshine, my only shunshine.

you make me happy, when skies are grey.

you'll never know dear, how much i love you.

so please don't take my sunshine away.

2008-04-10T19:16:00.001-07:00

I am so dead tired.
So Flag Day and Freshman Party yesterday was a blast ~

Azouline, An, Nicholas, Charmaine, and I, went off to Sentosa to collect donations, after a futile attempt at Serangoon. It was really tiring, but yet, wonderful, because we all got to talk more to each other. and talking, is always a good thing. haha.

After Flag Day, we returned our tins, and me and Ezzat were searching for Moberly. which we could find. so we met the others at Foodcourt 3, and did not eat anything. haha. Then we decided to head on to the gym, to work out, NO LAH. We went to the gym to disturb, An, Mitchell ((: , and Thomas. After awhile we met Sean there,and we headed to the Concourse for the SP Freshman Party !

It was amazing. DJ Rattle from MOS was there, and he was throwing out beats like crazy, and i was dancing with a whole lot of people. Girls, guys, whatever. I did meet a few new friends, namely, Zam, Mooveen, Hakim, Shaiful, and of course Jalil, who were all dancing too ((:

Haha, i figured out i pretty much come out of my shell when i dance, like the whole world is not there, and its just me and the person i am dancing with. Dance is an amazing thing, that just i dunnoe, fosters a connection between two people who have no clue whatsoever about each other.
Its just the one line, " Dance with me ! " or " Let's dance ! " , that sparks off a connection, provided you dance with the right person.

& to my fellow DADP coursemates :

I hope you guys had a great time there, and i woul,d just like to apologise for totally dissappearing off with the other people, and also for any shocking happenings on the dancefloor, i know you know what i mean. Buts i just want you guys to know that whatever happened on the dancefloor was pure, music high. I love you guys (:

All, all allof my light is for you.

Home, home's anywhere you are too.

2008-04-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

today was THE AWESOMEST !

DADP, is absolute LOVE.

haha, very very fun orientation today, starting off with drums (((:
LOOK, LISTEN, FEEEEL (:
it was a very very inspiring and enlightening experience uh.
like we go tto knw so many new DMC people as well, and we are all on big CASS family ! (:

DADP had lunch together (:
then we headed back to the venue for our amazing race !
haha, which was incredible as well.
our class really got to bond, and well, we got to know each other alot alot more.

and guess what ?
DADP/02 WON ! my class ! yesness ((:
and runner ups were DADP/01 !
just as well guys ~
its okay, we are all winners as DADP ! ((:

Then we went for CASS Dinner, and it was pure fun. we were all sooo sooo high still, after like almost 10 hours in school. haha.
and we were about the last to leave, and we helped to clear up the place a little, and we took silly pictures. haha.

i think its great that everyone is coming out of their shell (:
haha especially the super quiet people yesterday. ( pokes Mitchell )
i reaslie that we are all pretty much enthusiastic and VERY VERY vocal.
haha.

tomorrow is flag day and SP Welcome Party !
and DADP is wearing WHITE !
haha we are the only freshman course that colour codes ! hah.

and to you, yes you, i think you are amazing (:
and you never fail to make my day, everyday.
azie wants to tell you she misses you.

LOVES !

2008-04-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Day One at Singapore Poly is finally over, and here i am in the comfort of my home, after a long trip from Dover back home.

I must say, i really really like my coursemates (: Its quite cool the way we are like so little people and we are so ON about everything. hahaha, especially the crazy people like me, ethan, z, joweene etc. haha, it is rather uplifting.

the day pretty much started off with me, khai, esmine, charmaine, and ezzat meeting at Dover, then heading towards MLT8 for super long lecture/breifing on FOP and stuff. haha, as expected, my attention was abit gone once my stomach started rumbling. There we met the others from our course.

well, after socialising between speakers, and exchanging names etc. we went for lunch together. yea, thats right, all 42 dadp students went for lunch together ((: haha. thats where we really talked alot. haha. Thats is when i got to know, Ethan, Z, Stacey, Joweene, Ice, etc.etc. alot more.
we are all fans of Paramore ! loves ((:

So we then headed to T21 for our SPICE training. Okay luh, pretty fast i guess, time moved by at lightning speed. and we were actually done before 4.30 (: an hour earlier actually. so i waited sith Si Ru, Joweene, Erica and a few others, for the other class to come out.

Then, went to the library with Ethan and Ezzat and Gayle. Haha, very very amusing walk all the way there.

" Fine let's just follow Ethan since he's tall. " Azie said. haha.

" I know where we are ! ...soon." Ethan said. HAHAHA.

Well once we got there, Ezzat and I went to look at the movies place, and Ethan went to borrow his comics, and Gayle went to meet her friend. I borrowed Grey's Anatomy Season 2 and unfortunately Ezzat couldn't find his CSI. So yeah, we figured out how to use the borrowing machine thing, then we went to the counter to remove the security plastic case for our movies.

" why must go counter and take out? why cant we just slide it off ?" Ezzat said.

hahaha. SECURITY casing, keyword : security.

well today was pretty much a blast, and i can't wait for tomorrow !
DADP is wearing green ((:

well, its not so scary after all.

and thank you, yes you, for texting me in the middle of my day.
you make me smile. all the time.
azie wants to tell you she is happy.